WAYS TO GET OUT OF A BLIND DATE

• Discretely fill your pockets with sugar packets, napkins, salt shakers, silverware, floral arrangements, etc.

• Hold a debate. Take both sides.

• Undress your date verbally.

• When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

• Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

• Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."

• Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

• Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant.

• Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask: "What took you so long in the bathroom?"

• Drool.

• Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

• Sacrifice French fries to a Pagan god.

• Stare at your date's neck and grind your teeth audibly.

• Twitch spastically. If your date asks about it, pretend you don't know what he's talking about.

• Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

• Order a bucket of lard.

• Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, with a good view of all exits, and where your back will be facing a wall. Act nervous.

• Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.

• Ask for crayons to color the placemat. You'll need to be extra persuasive in fancier restaurants with linen tablecloths.

• Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you're female.

• Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets and relatives.

• Recite dirty limericks to the people at the table next to you.

• Ask the people at neighboring tables for food.

• Beg your date to tattoo your name on her derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.

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