How to get better service on your new machine

1. Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an opinion as to what is wrong. Allow each person a chance to correct the problem, whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be turned.
   
2. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best, after 4:59 if possible.
   
3. Alert all personnel so that each can give their version of what is wrong. Suggestions on how to fix the machine will be welcomed by the service person.
   
4. Hide the service history log that is found inside the machine. Make several references to a guy that was here for the same problem recently.
   
5. Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly technical questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem.
   
6. The minute the service person arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear that you expected them 2 days ago. Before they can answer, ask when the machine will be back in service.
   
7. The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of oil and pencil sharpener shavings work well. If the machine has electrical components, add staples and paper clips. When done, pour a beverage on it, coffee is good, but soda is better.
   
8. Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen the machine before is a good choice. Bad breath is a plus.
   
9. Ask again when the machine will be ready. Do this when the machine is in 800 pieces and spread out on the floor.
   
10. Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the service person is looking at a schematic diagram, ask if he knows what their doing. Also mention that you fixed your roaster last week without a schematic.
    
11. When the repair is completed, tell them what a swell job they did. Tell them the job should be... it took long enough.
12. Try to get the service person to lower the bill, they make too much money anyway.
    
13. After they are gone, call their supervisor and say the machine is worse now then before. Follow up with a letter with copies to the home office.
14. Follow these rules on every call, no matter how small the problem.