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PEOPLE
whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone'
chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. Just tell
the interviewer that you wish to find something more meaningful to
do in life now that you've made your fortune. |
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OLD
telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and address of people you don't know. |
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WHEN
reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This
saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be
used for shopping lists. |
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A
TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a
handy audible gauge for road bump severity. |
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BUS
DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering
wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus
chatting casually to the passengers. |
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FOOL
other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and jumping the curb. |
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DRILL
a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will
allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is
closed. |
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SAVE
gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by
will think you've broken down and help. |
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BOMB
disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his
lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock. |
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SAVE
electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and
walking around wearing a miner's hat. |
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LOSE
weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the
subsequent food poisoning and illness enabled me to lose 12 pounds
in only 2 days. |
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WHEN
throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or
kitchen knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend
to turn whilst in the air. |
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AVOID
being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels
and locking them safely in the trunk until you return. |
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SMELL
gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source
of the escaping gas. |
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AVOID
parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast
wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. |
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TAXI
drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your turn
signals for you so that other motorists know where the hell you're
going. |
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SENIOR
CITIZENS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go
for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of
the front window. |
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OLD
contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats. |
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INCREASE
the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in
the garage. |
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TAKE
your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can see
which items you have recently used up. |
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MAKE
shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking
their change and holding bank notes up to the light before
accepting them. |
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SAVE
on charity donations by spending a dollar on clothes at a charity
shop, then selling them for 50 cents to another charity shop. This
way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think. |
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EXPENSIVE
hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but
beware of bees in the summer. |
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APPLY
red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails
will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you
have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be
selected). |
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NO
time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt
by simply peeling it off. |
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IF
a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug
of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed. |
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SAVE
on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following
morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a
thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head
repeatedly on the wall. |
