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Jokes from Andy Rooney

Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it
in Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?
Thank you."

Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then
I
noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) "Married" (walk off). That's
how
they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to
get
that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Cripes
My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
use words like "Cripes." For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus
Cripes? The son of "Gosh?" of the church of "Holy Moly". I'm not making
fun of it. You think I wanna burn in "Heck"?

Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, "how can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my
god.
He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward reaching over
there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't
do
that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long
now..."

Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior
Citizen". You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
dollar
she
gave you for your birthday.

Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
tough.
It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death.
What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should
die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You
get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to
work.
You
work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You
do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to
grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities,
you
become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine
months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.

Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think
they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for
commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it
and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90
cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel
very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW!
(hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you
believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls
for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now.
I hope you are too. The thought for the day is "share the love." "Beep."
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive,
your test is back. Stop sharing the love."


     

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