We are NutzWorld. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Religious Jokes

And it Was So

Why did God create man before women? 
He didn't want any advice. 

This is a very special conversation between a man and God:

Man: God, how much is a million dollars to you? 
God: It is but a penny.
Man: God, how long is a million years to you? 
God: It is but a second.
Man: God, could you please give me a penny? 
God: Sure, just a second. 

Jesus and Moses went to play golf. On the third hole, there is a lake to hit over. Jesus gets out a two iron and Moses says,
- You should use a wood or it will go in the water. Jesus says: Jack Nicklaus uses a two iron on this hole, so Im sure I can.
He hits the ball, and sure enough it splashes into the water. Moses parts the water, walks out and retrieves the ball.
- Now, Moses says, use a wood. - No way, Jesus replies, if Nicklaus can use a two iron, so can I. Again, it goes straight into the lake. As Jesus is walking around on the water looking for his ball, another golfer sees him and asks Moses in amazement,- Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?
Moses shakes his head sadly and says:
- No, Jack Nicklaus!

Who is the largest woman in the bible?
The woman of Some area (Samaria) 

Did you know that Jesus had an automobile? 
He drove them from the temple in a Fury! 

Also Noah was a nimble cash manager.
He floated his assets while the world was in liquidation. 

Eve was so jealous of Adam that when he came home each night she used to count his ribs.

-Did you know that they played tennis in ancient Egypt?
They must have, because Joseph served in Pharaoh's court. 

-Did you know that the apostles drove a Honda?
-In Acts it says they were all in one Accord. 

Adam who lived in the Garden of Eden was a economist, thats why life looks like it does. Adam enjoyed
life, the weather was very good and the animals were wonderful. God asked him if everything was all right. 
Adam, who was a true economist, saw an opportunity to get something more.- Its OK, but Im feeling a bit lonely.
God answered that he could create a woman.
- A wonderful person, beautiful, intelligent, nice, helps with everything, a wonderful friend, never complains, a support in life, and so on. God told Adam everything about this woman, but as the economist as he was, he asked: 
- Uuuhh, what would it cost?
God replied: - One arm,one leg, your hair, your nose and your right ear. 
As the economist he was he asked:
- What can I get for a rib?

In Japan, the word "meso" means noodles. Consequently, in the song 
"Jesus Loves Me So", the writer telling us that Jesus loves noodles. 

-Did you know that Satan forgot who he was talking to in the Garden of Eden..?
- No...
-Surely, you shall not die... (Shirley) 

This situation could have happened if the mobile phone was invented a bit earlier:

-Peters fishing boat.
-Id like to speak with Jesus, please.
-Im sorry, He went for a walk.

And the answering machine:

-beep- This is Abraham and Sarahs answering machine.
We are not at home for the moment; we are on our way to some place, that we do not know. Leave a message and we will call you later.

Do you know that king David had a motor cycle.
- The sound of his Triumph was heard throughout the country.

The English Bible proclaims that Jesus was not the only man born without the involvation of a
Joshua the son of Nun.

-Do you know what Jesus and the children of today has in common?
-Both live at home until they become about 30 years, and if they do anything it is a miracle.

-Do you know who came first when Jesus and his disciples raced over the lake of gennesaret.
-Jesus won on "walk over".