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TV Bites With
Neena Louise |
Realer than Real
by Neena
Louise
As the reality television genre begins to wane, the networks - increasingly
desperate to keep audiences hooked - have taken the lazy and unimaginative route
and have started adding soft porn. Considering that the horny-teenage-boy
demographic they seem to be targeting does not have much discretionary income,
here are several viable alternatives that don't necessarily need sex to sell:
American Idol Survivor
Contestants literally sing for their supper while living in an insect-infested
jungle. The other contestants secretly vote on the performance to decide what
the singer eats for the night - prime rib or cockroaches. Every three days,
contestants must perform an arduous task (such as taking insults from music
critics without crying, describing the other contestants without using the words
"family" or "love", singing opera, or having their hair
styled by Ryan Seacrest) in order to win the Immunity Idol (an effigy of Simon
Cowell). Tribal Council has them voting each other out and host Jeff Probst
sends the eliminated contestant off down a lighted runway to the tune of
"Happy Trails". At the end of the contest, the last two contestants
are voted on by America. The winner gets his or her own concert, with the
audience voting to decide whether they're worthy of a recording contract. The
other contestants get nothing.
Big Brother's Extreme Makeover
The "Fab 5" of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy get locked up in
a house with ten macho, homophobic men. The Queer Eye gang take turns
insulting the contestants and pointing out how they can improve themselves with
etiquette lessons, wine education, wardrobe choices, hair style alternatives,
etc. The Fab 5 are the only ones that can vote contestants out, based on the
willingness of the contestant to take the Queer Eye gang's advice. The
winner gets whatever plastic surgery he desires. The Fab 5 also chooses a new
wardrobe and house decor for the winner.
Temptation Island Boot Camp
Young, attractive semi-committed couples are lured to Temptation Island,
thinking they will get to cavort with other hot young thangs. To their surprise,
they are greeted by real boot camp drill sergeants who immediately start
screaming at them - calling them idiots for having to come on a national
television show in order to decide whether they're truly committed or not - and
tossing their luggage, throwing all luxury items in the trash. One half of the
couple is put through traditional boot camp paces while their partners watch.
The first one to cry must leave the island immediately. Their accommodations
consist of army-issue tents and field latrines. Though the contestants don't
know this, the drill sergeants decide who leaves and who stays, based on how
helpful and considerate the couple is to each other while performing arduous
boot camp routines. The winners get a free wedding and a house. If they decide
to split up, they get nothing.
American Junior Trading Spaces
Five-year-olds are let loose on other five-year-olds' bedrooms or playrooms to
make them over as they please. Adults have no say, but designers Hildy and Doug
are forced to do the kids' bidding. Finger paint and modelling clay are heartily
encouraged.
Joe Poorman's Mole
A good looking, very rich, marriage-minded man pretends to be a poor country
hick that lives in a dilapidated mobile home in a rural area. Lured by the
promise of a good looking husband-material man and a large monetary prize (but
not told of the accommodations), women come to the mobile home. Once there, they
are told they must live in tents with bathroom facilities consisting of an
outhouse and outdoor shower. Laundry is done (by them) with a washboard in a tin
tub. They each take turns doing the cooking. With Joe Poorman playing hick to
the hilt, they go on dates such as fishing in a pond, cooking roadkill,
beheading chickens, planting a vegetable garden and painting the trailer. Their
big outing is a county fair, complete with cattle judging and tractor pull.
Unbeknownst to the other contestants, a spy is embedded in their ranks that
reports all the whining and complaining to Joe Poorman, who then decides who
goes. If any contestant feels it's too much and decides to leave, she is
immediately told the truth about Joe Poorman and shown video of his lavish
lifestyle (she cannot change her mind after viewing this). The other contestants
are not told the truth until the very end of the show. Whoever Joe Poorman feels
is the least gold-digging woman (helped by information garnered from the mole),
wins $500,000. If he wants to pursue a relationship with the winner and she
agrees (before being told the truth about Joe Poorman's wealth), she gets a
million dollars.
The Bachelorette's Amazing Race
Ten marriage-minded men pursue a single woman all around the world. Along the
way, they are forced to perform tasks in order to get directions to their next
clue. On each leg of the race, the bachelorette chooses a contestant to
accompany. The bachelorette is the only one that gives the instructions for the
task, and is free to give vague instructions, wrong instructions, or no
instructions at all. At the end of each leg of the race, the woman decides which
contestant is eliminated, based on what position he made it to the pit stop, his
personality as he undertook the tasks and whether she likes him or not. At the
end of each leg, they are all given an opportunity to socialize. The final
contestant is chosen by the bachelorette and is the only one allowed to run to
the finish line. The winner is told he will receive no money or prizes other
than the possibility of the bachelorette's heart. If they choose to pursue a
relationship, they split $500,000. If they choose not to, the bachelorette
decides how much of the $500,000 to keep and how much to give to the winner of
the race.
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