| 5:30 am |
Martha Stewart's Christmas Prison
Special (Festive cooking for a crowd.) |
| 5:31 am |
Prancer Returns (To a life of
indentured servitude to a fat man in a red suit.) |
| 6:30 am |
'Twas the Night Before Christmas
(Reality special featuring bickering parents, evil toys that need
assembling, and a large happy man that eats enough milk and
cookies to feed a Third World country. Only on Fox.) |
| 7:30 am |
It's a Wonderful Life in a Very
Merry Muppet Movie |
| 8:00 am |
Mr. St. Nick, Santa Jr. (And
the whole damn Santa Family.) |
| 8:30 am |
The Santa Clause (Regular Joe
gets tricked into losing his livelihood through vague legalese.
Also known as "Enron".) |
| 9:00 am |
The Christmas Shoes ("The
hit song that inspired the bestselling book is now a movie".
In other words: "Don't bother watching".) |
| 9:04 am |
Frosty's Winter Wonderland (As
opposed to what? Frosty's Miami Beach Vacation?) |
| 10:00 am |
The Nutcracker Suite (Ballet
to Bore All. 6 hours.) |
| 11:00 am |
Barbie in the Nutcracker
(Barbie cracks nuts. That bitch.) |
| 11:30 am |
A Christmas Story (A story to
warm your hearts, this nostalgic yarn is about a boy with twisted
daydreams, his weird family and his firearm obsession.) |
| 12:00 pm |
Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in
July (What?) |
| 12:30 pm |
Christmas Eve on Sesame Street
(Just in case you feel Christmas Eve isn't surreal enough.) |
| 1:30 pm |
Jack Frost (Could eat no fat,
his wife...No, wait! Wrong Jack. My mistake.) |
| 2:00 pm |
Santa Claus is Comin' to Town
(Well, I hope so.) |
| 2:30 pm |
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
(Actually, he was just "borrowing" it. Or could it be he
was doing "research"? Or was it just a
"mistake"? Written by Winona Ryder.) |
| 3:00 pm |
Frosty the Snowcone (Former
talking snowman becomes dessert.) |
| 3:30 pm |
The Christmas Orange
(Instructional video on what NOT to get a kid for Christmas.) |
| 4:00 pm |
Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer
(Frightening tale of a botched genetic engineering experiment that
resulted in a hooved talking animal with a light-up nose. That
toots.) |
| 4:30 pm |
Greatest Christmas Moments of All
Time (Extra long commercial of Christmas shows past. Hosted by
Tiffani Thiessen, TV star past.) |
| 4:37 pm |
Miracle Gro on 34th Street
(How to grow trees in time for Christmas in New York.) |
| 5:00 pm |
Christmas Rush (Subtitled
"Christmas-Shopper Rage Gone Wild", this heartwarming
tale chronicles the actions of an angry shopper who takes other
shoppers hostage. Can you relate?) |
| 6:00 pm |
Alan Jackson: Let it Be Christmas
(No. Let it be Easter - shake things up a bit.) |
| 7:00 pm |
The Year Without a Santa Claus,
The Town Santa Forgot, A Town Without Christmas (Trio of
stories chronicling the sad case of a fat guy's declining memory.) |
| 8:30 pm |
Whack that Christmas Orange
(Christmas with The Sopranos.) |
| 9:00 pm |
A Charlie Brown Christmas
(Festive yarn featuring mutant animated children that seem to have
no parents.) |
| 10:00 pm |
National Lampoon's Christmas
Vacation (Cautionary documentary chronicling the events that
lead to the power shortage.) |
| 11:30 pm |
Silent Night (Hours of
black-screened silence. Also known as December 26th.) |
