| 5:00 a.m. |
Michael Bolton: Tribute on Ice
(I don't know what's worse here: "Michael Bolton" or "Tribue on Ice".
Put 'em together and you have a bonafide freakshow.) |
| 5:01 a.m. |
Elf (6-foot elf goes to
New York to seek treatment for his abnormal growth.) |
| 7:00 a.m. |
Crazy for Christmas (The
Cuckoo for Coco-Puffs dons a festive furry hat and irritates the hell
out of Santa on Christmas Eve.) |
| 8:00 a.m. |
A Charlie Brown Christmas
(Dateline special chronicling the sad tale of an odd-looking boy
being bullied at Christmas.) |
| 8:30 a.m. |
White Christmas (Tide
infomercial on how to get your holiday table linens their whitest and
brightest...even if your tables linens are red and green.) |
| 9:30 a.m. |
Secret Santa (An alleged
Al-Qaeda leader is exposed as a jolly old fellow in a red suit who
prefers spreading cheer to destruction. Terrorists weep. Then riot. Then
blow themselves up in order to teach Santa a lesson. Santa flees to the
North Pole.) |
| 10:00 a.m. |
Crazy Christmas Lights
(Martha Stewart hangs lights wrapped in bits of holly, cinnamon sticks
and ribbon, insisting it's a good thing. She's proven wrong when the
holly and ribbon catch fire, burning the house down.) |
| 11:00 a.m. |
The Nutcracker Suite
(Ballet to Bore All. 6 hours.) |
| 12:00 p.m. |
Casper's Haunted Christmas
(Thinking it's Hallowe'en, Casper and two buddies mistakenly haunt a man
named Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas Eve. Classic Christmas tale ensues.) |
| 12:30 p.m. |
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
(Mutant green dude who lives in a cave steals Christmas stuff from other
mutants called "Whos".) |
| 1:00 p.m. |
Home Alone (Fantasy tale
of how many people would like to spend the holidays.) |
| 1:01 p.m. |
All Dogs Christmas Carol
(It goes something like this: "Arf Arf Arf. Woof. Woof. Woof." Not
terribly tuneful, but, well, they're dogs.) |
| 2:00 p.m. |
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
(Yeah, vacation from hell: They don't actually go anywhere,
obnoxious relatives invade, the house gets wrecked and the father has a
major meltdown.) |
| 2:30 p.m. |
Frosty the Snowman
(Children build a snowman that comes to life. As the children flee in
terror, Frosty pursues them, demanding a carrot for a nose instead of a
lousy button.) |
| 3:00 p.m. |
Frosty Returns (After
being melted the year before, Frosty comes back to life, seeking
murderous revenge for being created with an inadequate nose. Again.
Rated R.) |
| 4:00 p.m. |
Deck the Halls (Spike
TV's Christmas Smackdown Spectacular: Reigning champions The
Halls are challenged by The Boughs.) |
| 5:00 p.m. |
'Twas the Night Before Christmas
(And all through the house, not a creature was stirring... Oh, who are
we kidding? The house is a wreck, the kids won't go to bed, the parents
are up until 3 a.m., the cat is systematically removing the tree
ornaments and the dog is eating the gingerbread house.) |
| 5:30 p.m. |
Call Me Claus (Santa
Claus. I like my mice shaken, not stirred.) |
| 6:00 p.m. |
A Diva's Christmas Carol
(Barbra Streisand and Mariah Carey order people around on Christmas. In
song. Millions cringe.) |
| 6:03 p.m. |
12 Days of Christmas Eve
(It's Daybreak vs. Groundhog Day as Taye Diggs and Bill
Murray find themselves reliving Christmas Eve over and over and over.
Viewer discretion advised due to curse-laden toy-throwing and
gingerbread man dismemberment.) |
| 7:00 p.m. |
The Santa Claus Brothers
(Documentary on cloning and the time-space continuum, providing
scientific evidence that Santa really can visit a billion households in
a single night.) |
| 7:30 p.m. |
It's a Wonderful Life
(Oh, yeah? Says who? Huh? Huh?) |
| 8:00 p.m. |
Miracle on 34th Street
(Exhausted single mom finds Tickle Me Elmo and a Playstation 3 at
Macy's. On Christmas Eve.) |
| 8:30 p.m. |
The Town Santa Forgot
(Baghdad finds itself missing from Santa's route once again. Hoping to
encourage Santa, they send up flares. When that doesn't work, they fire
missiles. Santa gives it a wide berth. Again.) |
| 8:32 p.m. |
Jingle All the Way
(Tormented by incessant radio commercials for Chia Pets, father kills
entire family during a cross-country car trip to visit relatives for the
holidays.) |
| 9:00 p.m. |
Santa Claus is Comin' to Town
(So you better not shout. Or pout. Or be anything that could be
construed as naughty...at least for a day.) |
| 10:00 p.m. |
Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer
(After having one drink too many, Rudolph drives Santa's sleigh in a
circle all night, disappointing millions. Mothers Against Drunk Driving
uses the incident for its Christmas campaign.) |
| 10:30 p.m. |
One Magic Christmas
(Magician David Blaine wraps himself in tinsel and suspends himself
upside down from the north pole wearing nothing but festive wool socks.
Santa and the elves throw snowballs and mock him, then leave him there
alone to freeze.) |
| 11:30 p.m. |
A Christmas Carol (Just
one carol? Hah! I hear a zillion a day: on every single TV commercial,
piped into every store, popping up on the Internet, on the radio... Make
it stop!) |
| 11:59 p.m. |
Silent Night (The damn
carols stop. Amen.) |
