Sat. Mar 2nd, 2024

The Dungeonmaster (1984)

By Michael Jan 24, 2024

Well, well, well, gather ’round, my unfortunate companions, because we’ve just taken a trip down the rabbit hole of cinematic catastrophe known as “The Dungeonmaster” from the golden year of 1984. If this movie were a dish, it’d be a moldy TV dinner reheated one too many times.

Let’s start with the plot—or what I can only assume was a series of fever dreams stitched together by a particularly sleep-deprived writer. Our protagonist, a computer whiz named Paul, gets sucked into a bizarre alternate dimension by a demon with the fashion sense of a rejected ’80s hair metal band member. And there begins our descent into the absurd.

The special effects? If you thought your cousin’s homemade YouTube videos were cringe-worthy, wait until you witness the visual spectacle of “The Dungeonmaster.” The graphics are so outdated, I half-expected the characters to be pixelated blobs like something out of a prehistoric video game.

Now, let’s talk about our hero, Paul. He’s equipped with a talking computer wristband named, brace yourselves, “X-CaliBR8.” It’s like they let a kindergarten class come up with the name. And what does this magical wristband do? It helps Paul battle various supernatural beings by… playing rock-paper-scissors. I kid you not. Forget swords and sorcery; we’re dealing with the mystical powers of a child’s playground game.

The dialogue? It’s like the scriptwriter raided a thesaurus and decided to use every synonym for “bad” they could find. The lines are delivered with the enthusiasm of a sloth on sedatives, and the attempts at profundity fall flatter than a pancake run over by a steamroller.

Now, the acting. I’ve seen more convincing performances in a middle school play. It’s like the cast collectively agreed to approach their roles with the enthusiasm of someone stuck in traffic during rush hour. And poor Richard Moll, who plays the demon antagonist—his menacing presence is about as intimidating as a fluffy bunny in a tutu.

It must be right because it has Richard Moll in it, Andy promised us some Bull.  WTF is going on. 

OK was it a dream, I am so confused what is Rage War? 

Orange tiny shorts ….cute. 

Running changing lights… now flashdance.  Woo this is good.  This better get better soon. 

Gwen is rubbing on them big things in the water… so far Gwen is the best part of this movie.  WTF don’t overdress her Bull.  Mestema wants to pit his magic against our hero and his machines… ok simple plot.  Excalibrate…. His power is boring us and Mestema with definitions. 

7 Challenges to get Gwen back and your souls.  Holy crap these are cheesy effects but at least they seem to know it.  Hey look a furry….and Jack The Ripper, Bloody Mary and more. 

Monster hall and its foam rocks…. 

Great line.. “ I reject your reality and substitute my own.”  I feel like that’s the story of my life a lot of times, especially on Friday nights when watching these movies. 

Now we are at a full on WASP concert, I love hate this movie.  Disintegrate them with high frequency sound yet sexy Gwen is unaffected while right there….  

OK those are the tiniest little people I ever saw how does he not overtake them in like two strides. 

Oh my god this movie now looks like Sinbad with the rock person special effects why is everything so disconnected  

Why are the cops being so mean to him?, he’s white.  Cool more dancing with Gwen, damn this movie is so 80’s. 

Came back from commercial and showed a PG-13 banner… full frontal nudity and murder is somehow PG-13? A Sexy Angel !  Some of this movie is objectively fantastic, I mean what is better than a sexy Angel? I can’t think of anything better than Angel Breasts.  How is this PG-13 again? 

Why is Brad Williams in this MadMax scene?  Never mind…he gone.  He’s back. Damn Gwen hates little people.  She is cool hand Luke with a blaster… WTF game over… Now we get boss battle finally, except the fight between our hero Paul (aka the most boring man on the planet) and Mestema is exactly like Captain Kirk fighting aliens on strange planets in Star Trek the original series. Actually Shatner at least was interesting this guy is so milquetoast I hope Mestema wins. 

Let’s get Married is the end of this crap…

In conclusion, “The Dungeonmaster” is a cinematic abomination that makes you question life choices. If you find joy in cringe-worthy dialogue, laughable special effects, and a plot that’s more chaotic than my sock drawer, then by all means, subject yourself to this ’80s disasterpiece. As for me, I’ll be recovering from the trauma with a good, old-fashioned movie marathon of anything but this unholy mess.

This is an objectively horrible movie, the effects are bad, the plot is stupid, the acting is bad except for Mestema and Gwen’s Titties, but damn it if I didn’t have a good time watching it like I was the star of MST3K with my wife.  C+ for the fun 

But still….. Fuck You Andy for wasting this time of my life. 

By Michael

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