Thu. Jul 25th, 2024

Planet of the Apes (2001)

Planet of the Apes (2001)

Planet of the Apes is a 2001 American science fiction adventure film directed by Tim Burton from a screenplay by William Broyles Jr., Lawrence Konner, and Mark Rosenthal. The sixth installment in the Planet of the Apes film series, it is loosely based on the 1963 novel of the same name by Pierre Boulle and serves as a remake of the 1968 film version. The film stars Mark Wahlberg, Tim Roth, Helena Bonham Carter, Michael Clarke Duncan, Kris Kristofferson, Estella Warren, and Paul Giamatti. It tells the story of astronaut Leo Davidson (Wahlberg) crash-landing on a planet inhabited by intelligent apes. The apes treat humans as slaves, but with the help of an ape named Ari (Bonham Carter), Leo starts a rebellion as he seeks to return.

Planet of the Apes (2001) Review by Ben Dover

Well, stick a banana in my ear and call me a chimpanzee’s uncle! I just watched the worst movie idea since someone thought remaking ANY classic film was a good plan. 2001’s Planet of the Apes is a shut-your-mouth insult to the 1968 original and modern civilization as we know it.

The story begins with a space station getting sucked into a time warp and crash landing on a planet overrun by grotesquely makeup-caked apes treating humans like slaves and pets. The head monkey in charge is a Shakespearian-spouting gorilla named Thade played by Tim Roth, or as I like to call him, Mr. Bananas Franpan.

When the astronauts encounter these flea-ridden primates running the show, the gibberish philosophizing and pure idiocy starts flowing harder than a busted sewage pipe. At no point did any character’s actions or the narration make a lick of sense! Just when you think the plot can’t jumble itself up further, it pulls another brain-dead twist out of its keister.

The human actors like Mark Wahlberg and Estella Warren wander around shell-shocked and expressionless for two hours amid all the ape shenanigans. I don’t blame them – I’d be checking for the nearest off-ramp too if I had to act opposite a cast of tennis ball-licking Charlton Heston impersonators.

As if the atrocious acting, nonsensical premise and bargain-bin dialogue wasn’t enough, the creators actually had the temerity to put CUTTING EDGE CGI in key scenes! I’m not joking, sonny – I saw computer animated apes that looked like castaway rejects from the Donkey Kong game intermixed with the “real” ape characters. My eyes are still bleeding from it all!

At least the original Apes gave us cultural commentary and thought-provoking social metaphors. This manure puddle is as deep as one of those plastic&#@!! kiddie pools from Wisconsin. The film bombed so tremendously, even the make-a-buck Hollywood suits were too embarrassed to option a sequel. Can’t say I’m upset about that!

Look, watches and Rocky Balboa are two things the apes should have left well enough alone. Check your melons at the lobby if you feel compelled to witness this absolute bonker of a flop in all its glory. Just be sure to bring a dozen bananas to snack on, cause this monkey’s only coming once!

AI Images for fun! (These are bad lol

One final thought:

Is this Sandra Bullock grooming Marky Mark? Cant convince me otherwise.

By Michael

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