Against the advice of locals and police, Clay (Jared Padalecki) scours the eerie woods surrounding Crystal Lake for his missing sister. But the rotting cabins of an abandoned summer camp are not the only things he finds. Hockey-masked killer Jason Voorhees lies in wait for a chance to use his razor-sharp machete on Clay and the group of college students who have come to the forest to party.
Review by Ben Dover:
Friday the 13th (2009) – 3 Rusty Machetes
Ah, Friday the 13th (2009)—the reboot nobody asked for, but Hollywood delivered anyway, like a cold pizza left on your doorstep.
I sat down with high hopes, thinking maybe this time we’d get some fresh takes on the iconic Jason Voorhees.
The Plot
So, here we are in the charming town of Crystal Lake, where summer camp and teenage stupidity collide in a deadly game of cat and mouse. This film tries to bring a little more backstory to Jason, but honestly, it feels like a half-hearted attempt to explain why the guy wears a hockey mask and wields a machete like it’s an extension of his arm. The plot unfolds with a group of young adults who decide that a weekend getaway to Crystal Lake is a great idea—because nothing screams “relaxation” like being the target of a masked murderer.
Key Points:
- Reboot: Because nobody’s tired of seeing teenagers get sliced and diced.
- Backstory: A brief history lesson on Jason that’s about as deep as a kiddie pool.
- Teenage Decisions: Clearly, common sense takes a vacation during the summer.
The Characters
This cinematic rehash stars a bunch of pretty young things whose names I couldn’t be bothered to remember, all lining up like lambs to the slaughter. Ah, the characters. You’ve got your classic archetypes: the jock, the pretty girl, the token nerd, and the “I’m too smart for this” skeptic. They stumble around Crystal Lake, making decisions that make you question if they were raised by wolves. It’s like watching a nature documentary where the prey willingly walks into the lion’s den.
Jared Padalecki plays our hero, and let me tell you, he’s got all the charisma of a wet cardboard box. He stumbles through the movie with a perpetual look of confusion, like he’s trying to remember if he left the stove on. Spoiler alert, kid: it doesn’t matter, because Jason’s about to turn you into shish kebab anyway.
Speaking of Jason, Derek Mears dons the iconic hockey mask, and I’ll give credit where it’s due – this Jason is more menacing than a tax audit on April 14th. He runs, he sets traps, he’s got more tools than a Home Depot. It’s like watching a homicidal Bob Vila on steroids.
Bet you cant guess what happens next….
Character Highlights:
- Clay: The “hero” with all the charm of a wet sock—seriously, no one cares about your long-lost sister.
- Jenna: The pretty girl who gets to make poor choices while looking fabulous—because that’s what’s important, right?
- Jason: The legendary killer who’s more relentless than a salesperson at your door.
Special Effects
Now, let’s talk about the special effects. This film leans heavily on the gore factor, and boy, does it deliver. The kills are more elaborate than my Aunt Edna’s Thanksgiving dinner, and while I appreciate the creativity, it sometimes felt like they were trying too hard to outdo previous installments. When the blood starts flowing like a river, you realize you’re in for a wild ride—just not the kind that’ll win any awards.
Special Effects Summary:
- Gore Factor: Higher than my blood pressure after a family gathering.
- Creativity: At least they tried to bring some flair to the kills—like a flamboyant chef in a horror kitchen.
- Overall Impact: You’ll either love it or be left wondering why you didn’t just watch paint dry instead.
Final Thoughts
In conclusion, Friday the 13th (2009) is a mindless romp through the woods that’s as predictable as a soap opera plot twist. It’s got more self-awareness than a zen master on mushrooms, winking at the audience even as it’s eviscerating another topless co-ed.
The kills are more creative than an art school on acid. We’ve got sleeping bag roasts, heads split like overripe melons, and enough arterial spray to paint the Sistine Chapel. It’s gruesome, it’s over-the-top, and it’s more fun than it has any right to be. Is this “Friday the 13th” a cinematic masterpiece? Hell no. Is it a solid slasher flick that knows exactly what it is and delivers on its promises? You bet your sweet bippy it is. It’s comfort food for horror fans, like a warm bowl of soup. If that soup was made of blood and body parts.
Final Rating:
- Out of 5: I’d give it a solid 3—mostly for the kills and the occasional laugh at how ridiculous it all is.
So, if you’re looking for a movie to watch while nursing a headache from your last bad decision, this might just hit the spot. But remember, folks, always check for Jason before heading out into the woods. You never know when he might pop up, swinging a machete and a bad attitude! Give this “Friday the 13th” a watch. It’s like catching up with an old friend – if that old friend was a psychopathic killer with mommy issues.
Happy camping, kiddies!
Notes:
Rating: R (Graphic Sexual Content | Drug Material | Language | Strong Bloody Violence)
Runtime: 1 hour 37 minutes
Gross worldwide: $91,509,154
Budget: $19,000,000 (estimated)
The opening scene (20 minutes) is one of the best opening scenes in slasher history outside of the Scream franchise. The opening title screen is 24 minutes into the movie. They basically do an entire movie in 20 minutes and then go on to restart with a new group of students.
Reboot Jason is the most intimidating and downright scary version of the character we’ve ever seen. He’s smart. He doesn’t just lumber after you swing his machete around anymore, he stalks you and lays traps for you like he watched all the Saw movies.
There was one point where they should have just named this the Jason Olympics as Jason is amazing with a bow, axe throwing etc.
The catacombs under the camp are a cool plot device for Jason to use.
Jason was pissed because he thought the kids were trying to steal his pot plants.
One of the coolest ideas was killing off the OBVIOUS final girl (Danielle Panabaker) near the end.
These idiots put him in the lake at the end… what could possibly happen next… The End.
I loved this soundtrack
1. Sister Christian (05:02) Performed by Night Ranger
2. Freak Your Loneliness (03:19) Performed by The Bumblebeez
3. Get ‘Em Up (02:00) Performed by Classic
4. Post Millennium Extinction Blues (03:39) Performed by Living Things
5. She Does (01:53) Performed by Locksley
6. My Favourite Book (04:04) Performed by Stars
7. Tick Tick Boom (03:26) Performed by The Hives
8. Doin’ Things (03:32) Performed by Three AM
9. I Like It, I Love It (03:44) Performed by Lyrics Born
10. Night Train (03:04) Performed by The Kills
11. No Way To Stop It (03:09) Performed by Jimmy Gresham
12. Shove It (feat. Spank Rock) (03:45) Performed by Santigold
13. Friday The 13th – Opening Title (03:41) Performed by Steve Jablonsky
Quotes:
Chewie: [hands over hockey stick to Jason] Are you looking for this? Because, uh, it completes your outfit.
Trent: Hey, Lawrence, how about a little help?
Lawrence: Dude, that’s not a good look for you, man. You ask the one black guy to pump the gas for you? Shit.
Trent: Okay. Nolan. How about I pay, you pump?
Nolan: Sure, man. Hey, I give a wicked blow job too.
Trent: Okay, well, um, we’ll try that out later.
Critics Consensus:
Critics 25% Audience 47% Rotten Tomatoes
Though technically well-constructed, Friday the 13th is a rehash that features little to distinguish it from its predecessors a modern reboot that ups the humor and gore, but not the plot..
Trailer:
