Sat. Nov 9th, 2024

AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004) – When Two Wrongs Make a Catastrophically Wrong

AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004) – When Two Wrongs Make a Catastrophically Wrong

Lights, Camera, Action!

AVP: Alien vs. Predator is a 2004 sci-fi action film that pits two of cinema’s most iconic monsters against each other. Directed by Paul W. S. Anderson, the film follows a group of scientists and adventurers who become trapped in an ancient pyramid beneath the Antarctic ice, where they find themselves caught in the crossfire between the Predators and the Aliens.  

Hold onto your hats, folks, because we’re diving headfirst into the cinematic showdown of the century – or at least that’s what they wanted you to think. It’s AVP: Alien vs. Predator, the movie that dared to ask the age-old question: who would win in a fight, a slimy, acid-blooded alien or a dreadlocked hunter with heat vision? Now, I’m not one for sci-fi mumbo jumbo, but I’ve got to admit, the premise alone was enough to pique my curiosity.

So, I grabbed my popcorn, settled into my recliner, and prepared for an epic battle of intergalactic proportions. But what I got instead was… well, let’s just say it wasn’t exactly the cinematic masterpiece I was hoping for. Between the cheesy dialogue, the predictable plot, and the questionable special effects, AVP left me feeling like I’d just wasted two hours of my life. But hey, at least it wasn’t as bad as that Alien prequel, right?

Review by Ben Dover
AVP: Alien vs. Predator
2.5 out of 5 stars – Mediocre Monster Mash

“AVP: Alien vs. Predator – When Two Wrongs Make a Catastrophically Wrong”

Well, slap my ass and call me Ripley! Hollywood’s gone and done it again, folks. They’ve taken two perfectly good sci-fi franchises and mashed ’em together like a toddler playing with action figures after huffing glue. “AVP: Alien vs. Predator” is the cinematic equivalent of a dumpster fire – it’s horrifying, it stinks, and yet you can’t look away.

Let me tell you, I’ve seen more convincing fights between my cat and the vacuum cleaner. This flick’s got all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the nads and about as much plot as a porn film – minus the redeeming qualities. It’s like someone took all the worst parts of both franchises, threw them in a blender, and hit “liquefy” until all that’s left is a soupy mess of disappointment and missed opportunities.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I was all for this idea when I first heard about it. Aliens fighting Predators? Sign me up! It’s like finding out your two ex-wives are gonna duke it out – you know it’s gonna be a trainwreck, but damn if you don’t want front row seats. But this? This is like watching that fight happen underwater, in the dark, with both of ’em wearing blindfolds.

The plot, if you can call it that, is thinner than the ice these numbskulls are tromping around on. We’ve got a bunch of scientists who couldn’t science their way out of a paper bag, led by Sanaa Lathan, who looks about as comfortable in this role as a Xenomorph at a hugfest. They stumble upon some ancient pyramid in Antarctica, because of course there’s an ancient pyramid in Antarctica. What, was the Moon too obvious?

And don’t even get me started on the Predators. These are supposed to be the galaxy’s greatest hunters, but they move with all the grace and stealth of a drunk elephant in a china shop. The Aliens fare a bit better, probably because they don’t have to act – just drool and kill, which is coincidentally what I felt like doing halfway through this movie.

The action scenes? They’re darker than my future and more confusing than trying to assemble IKEA furniture while drunk. Half the time, I couldn’t tell if I was watching a fight or a particularly aggressive game of patty-cake in a coal mine.

But you know what the real kicker is? Despite all this, despite the plot holes you could drive a spaceship through, despite dialogue that sounds like it was written by a malfunctioning AI, I found myself… not completely hating it. It’s like a cinematic car crash – horrific, but you can’t look away. It’s so bad, it almost circles back around to good. Almost.

In the end, “AVP: Alien vs. Predator” is like that weird casserole your aunt brings to Thanksgiving – you know it’s bad for you, you know you shouldn’t touch it, but curiosity gets the better of you and you end up with regret and indigestion. It’s a monument to Hollywood’s ability to take a can’t-miss idea and miss so spectacularly, you almost have to admire the dedication to mediocrity.

Overall, AVP: Alien vs. Predator is a mediocre monster mash that fails to live up to its potential. It’s not a terrible film, but it’s certainly not a good one either. If you’re a die-hard fan of the Alien and Predator franchises, you might find something to enjoy here. But for everyone else, I’d recommend giving this one a miss.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go watch the original “Alien” to remind myself what good sci-fi horror looks like. Get off my Antarctic pyramid, you damn kids!

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Synopsis and Plot Breakdown

A group of scientists and adventurers, led by the wealthy industrialist Charles Bishop Weyland (Lance Henriksen), are exploring an ancient pyramid beneath the Antarctic ice. They soon discover that the pyramid is a hunting ground for the Predators, who use the Aliens as prey. The humans find themselves caught in the middle of this intergalactic conflict, and must fight for survival against both creatures.  

Starring

  • Sanaa Lathan as Alexa Woods
  • Raoul Bova as Sebastian De Rosa  
  • Lance Henriksen as Charles Bishop Weyland  
  • Ewen Bremner as Graeme Miller  
  • Colin Salmon as Maxwell Stafford  

Special Effects

The special effects in AVP are a mixed bag. The Aliens and Predators look decent enough, but the CGI environments are often unconvincing and distracting.

Music

The music is a bit of a letdown, with a generic score that does little to enhance the atmosphere.

Famous Quotes

  • “Whoever wins… we lose.”
  • “Over here! I’m the ultimate prey!”
  • “You should have waited for the cavalry.”
  • “The hunt has begun.”
  • “This is just the beginning.”

Notes

  • The film is a crossover between the Alien and Predator franchises.  
  • The film was directed by Paul W. S. Anderson, who is also known for directing the Resident Evil film series.  
  • The film was released in 2004 and grossed over $172 million worldwide.  
  • The film was followed by a sequel, AVPR: Aliens vs Predator – Requiem, in 2007.  
  • The film’s tagline is “Whoever wins… we lose.”

Trailer

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