My Bloody Valentine (2009): When Mining For Scares Hits Rock Bottom

Get ready for a bloody Valentine’s Day, folks! In this modern remake of the 1981 cult classic, a group of young adults return to their hometown for a high school reunion, only to be stalked by a masked killer wielding a pickaxe.

Rating: 2.5/5 Pickaxes (Extra pickaxe added for creative use of mining equipment.)

Look, I’ve been reviewing horror movies since before most of you were born, and I’ve seen enough slashers to fill a morgue. “My Bloody Valentine” is what happens when Hollywood decides to remake a 1981 cult classic and throw in some 3D effects because apparently watching people get murdered isn’t exciting enough without things flying at your face.

Jensen Ackles (Yes, Soldier Boy or Dean from Supernatural if you prefer) plays Tom Hanniger, who returns to his hometown ten years after a Valentine’s Day massacre at the local mine. Because nothing says “romantic holiday” quite like a psychopath in mining gear impaling people with a pickaxe. Ackles spends most of the movie looking conflicted, which is exactly how I felt watching this thing.

The killer, dressed in full mining gear complete with a gas mask and wielding a pickaxe, looks like what would happen if my ex-wife’s lawyer decided to go into the excavation business. He stalks his victims through dark corridors and mines, which is about as original as my neighbor’s Christmas decorations. But I’ll give credit where it’s due – the 3D effects of pickaxes flying at the audience probably made some teenagers spill their overpriced popcorn.

Jaime King plays Sarah Palmer, caught between Tom and the local sheriff in a love triangle that nobody asked for. Because apparently, when there’s a murderous miner on the loose, the most pressing concern is who’s dating whom. It’s like watching a soap opera where occasionally someone gets impaled.

The movie tries to keep you guessing about the killer’s identity, but the plot twists are about as surprising as finding out your teenage kid borrowed your car without asking. The “whodunit” aspect is less “Agatha Christie” and more “eeny, meeny, miny, moe.”

Let’s talk about the 3D effects, since that was the big selling point. Objects fly at the screen with all the subtlety of a drunk uncle at a wedding. Hearts (the actual organ kind, not the Valentine’s Day kind) get ripped out and flung at the audience. It’s like they took every 3D cliché, dipped it in blood, and threw it at the wall to see what would stick.

The death scenes are creative, I’ll give them that. People get offed in ways that would make a safety inspector have a stroke. But after a while, it starts feeling less like horror and more like a very violent workplace safety video about proper mining procedures.

Comparison to the 1981 Original: Look, folks, let’s talk about the elephant in the mine shaft – the 1981 original. That film was a low-budget Canadian slasher that somehow managed to be more effective than this glossy remake with all its fancy 3D tricks. The original had genuine atmosphere; it felt like a real mining town with real people about to get really dead. This remake feels like what happens when Hollywood executives visit a mine shaft for the first time and think, “Hey, this would look great in 3D!”

The original had to deal with heavy censorship (the MPAA butchered it worse than our pickaxe-wielding friend), but still managed to create genuine tension. The 2009 version throws gore at the screen like a teenager with unlimited access to the fake blood budget. Sure, we get to see everything in crystal clear detail now, but sometimes less is more. The original understood that – this remake thinks “more is more” and keeps piling on until you’re numb to it all.

The 1981 version also took its time building the mystery and developing its characters. This remake treats character development like I treat my doctor’s advice – something to be completely ignored in favor of immediate gratification. Yes, the original was cheesy, but it was honest cheese. This remake is processed cheese product with artificial coloring.

Bottom Line: A remake that proves some things from the ’80s should stay in the ’80s, like my first marriage and parachute pants.

Special Effects: The special effects are surprisingly good for a low-budget horror movie. The gore is realistic and gory, and the 3D effects are a nice touch if a bit overdone.

Fun Fact: The movie was shot in real mines in Pennsylvania, which probably explains why half the cast looks genuinely terrified. Nothing says “method acting” quite like actual claustrophobia.

Memorable Quote: “Happy Valentine’s Day” – said right before someone gets a pickaxe to the face, because nothing says romance like mining equipment-related homicide.

Best Scene: A naked woman running from the killer only to get impaled in a particularly creative way. It’s like a Russ Meyer film met “Final Destination” in a coal mine. Might be the longest truly nude scene I have ever seen in a movie.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go cancel my Valentine’s Day plans at the local mining museum.

Ben Dover has been asked by several mining safety organizations to stop using their facilities as examples of potential murder locations. His wife agrees with them.

Stars: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith
Director: Patrick Lussier
Release Date: January 16, 2009

Plot Breakdown:

1. The group of friends arrives in their hometown for a high school reunion.
2. They start to get killed one by one by a masked killer with a pickaxe.
3. The killer is revealed to be a former classmate who was injured in a mining accident years earlier.
4. The killer is finally defeated by the group of friends.

5 Famous Quotes from the Movie:

1. “I’m not afraid of you, you psycho!”
2. “I’m going to kill you all!”
3. “I’m not going to die here!”
4. “I’m coming for you!”
5. “I’m going to kill you all, one by one!”

5 Interesting Notes from the Movie:

1. The movie is based on the 1981 slasher film of the same name.
2. The movie was filmed in 3D.
3. The movie was directed by Patrick Lussier, who also directed the 2009 remake of Friday the 13th.
4. The movie stars Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, and Kerr Smith.
5. The movie was released on January 16, 2009.

Trailer: