Christopher Nolan, that fella who thinks he’s so clever with his twisty timelines, is back at it again. This time, he’s brought us “Tenet,” a movie about… well, I’m not entirely sure what it’s about. Something to do with time inversion, I think, and saving the world from some vaguely defined threat. If you like your movies confusing and your popcorn expensive, this might be right up your alley. Just be sure to bring a notebook and a team of physicists to explain it all afterward.
Look, I’ve been reviewing movies since before Christopher Nolan was born, and I’ve got to tell you – “Tenet” is what happens when someone gives a filmmaker too much money and nobody has the guts to ask “but why?” It’s like watching a Magic Eye puzzle for two and a half hours while someone whispers quantum physics in your ear.
I went into “Tenet” expecting a headache, and boy, did I get one. Nolan seems to have taken the concept of “inverting” everything, including the plot, the dialogue, and even the basic understanding of cause and effect. The whole thing felt like I was watching a movie backward while someone shouted scientific jargon in my ear. I swear, my brain is still trying to untangle the knots Nolan tied in it.
John David Washington plays… well, he plays “The Protagonist” because apparently giving characters actual names is too mainstream for Nolan. He’s a CIA agent who gets recruited into a secret organization that deals with “time inversion,” which is basically time travel for people who think regular time travel is too simple. It’s like watching your drunk uncle try to explain relativity at Thanksgiving dinner.
Robert Pattinson shows up as Neil, sporting a hairstyle that looks like what would happen if a British prep school student got attacked by a leaf blower. He’s basically there to explain the plot to us, except his explanations need explanations. It’s like having a tour guide who only speaks in riddles.
Elizabeth Debicki plays Kat, who’s trapped in a marriage with Kenneth Branagh’s Russian oligarch character, Sator. Branagh delivers every line like he’s trying to out-villain every Bond villain who ever lived. His accent is thicker than my first wife’s makeup, and about as authentic.
The action sequences are admittedly impressive, even if half the time you’re watching them happen forwards AND backwards. The special effects are… well, they’re there. Lots of explosions and things moving backward. I guess that’s supposed to be impressive. Personally, I found it more disorienting than anything else.
There’s a scene with a plane crash that they actually did for real, because apparently CGI is beneath Nolan. It’s like watching the world’s most expensive palindrome.
The sound mixing is… well, let’s just say I haven’t strained this hard to hear dialogue since my grandfather lost his hearing aid at the opera. Characters deliver crucial plot points in whispers while the Hans Zimmer wannabe score BLASTS your eardrums into oblivion. It’s loud, bombastic, and utterly forgettable. It just adds to the general sense of chaos and confusion. I had to watch it with subtitles, and even they seemed confused.
Bottom Line: A movie so complex it makes “Inception” look like an episode of Teletubbies. It’s either brilliant or nonsense, and I’m still not sure which. Look, I’m not saying the movie is terrible. It’s certainly ambitious, and Nolan clearly put a lot of effort into it. But it’s also incredibly convoluted and pretentious. It feels like Nolan is trying to show off how smart he is, rather than tell a compelling story. And honestly, I’m not sure he succeeded at either.
Rating: 3/5 Time Machines (Lost points because I needed a physics degree to understand the plot)
Memorable Quote: “Don’t try to understand it. Feel it.” – Actually good advice for watching this entire movie.
Best Scene: The reverse bungee jump up the building. At least that was cool to watch, even if I’m still not sure why it happened.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go watch this movie backwards to see if it makes more sense that way.
Ben Dover has been asked by multiple physics professors to stop trying to explain temporal pincer movements. His wife says time moves backwards every time he attempts it.
Starring: John David Washington, Robert Pattinson, Elizabeth Debicki, Kenneth Branagh, and Michael Caine. Washington, son of Denzel, seems to be carving his own path in Hollywood. Pattinson, once the sparkly vampire, is trying hard to be taken seriously. Debicki is tall. Branagh is usually good. Caine pops up for a paycheck.
Synopsis and Plot Breakdown:
“Tenet” follows a CIA operative (Washington) who learns about “inversion,” a process that allows objects and even people to move backward in time. He’s recruited into a mysterious organization called Tenet to stop a shadowy figure (Branagh) from using this technology to… well, do something bad. Honestly, the exact details of the villain’s plan are a bit fuzzy. Something about the future and the present and… look, it doesn’t really matter. The plot is just an excuse for Nolan to play with time and blow stuff up. The movie involves a lot of confusing action sequences where things are happening both forward and backward, making it nearly impossible to follow. There are double crosses, secret identities, and enough twists and turns to make your head spin. By the end, I was just hoping it would all be over.
I had to go to chatGTP for more and I am still not sure I understand, but this was the response to the plot.
The plot of Tenet revolves around a concept referred to as “inversion,” where time can be manipulated to allow objects and people to move backward through time. The story follows the Protagonist, a former CIA agent, who is recruited by a mysterious organization called Tenet. His mission is to prevent a global catastrophe orchestrated by a Russian oligarch named Andrei Sator. Sator possesses technology from the future that can reverse entropy, essentially allowing him to control time.
As the Protagonist navigates this complex world of temporal warfare, he partners with Neil, a resourceful ally, to stop Sator from acquiring a nuclear weapon that could end the world. Much of the film’s action centers around the Protagonist’s efforts to recover a device known as the Algorithm, which has the power to invert the flow of time on a massive scale and potentially bring about the apocalypse. The plot intertwines various action sequences, including a unique “temporal pincer movement” that employs both inverted and non-inverted soldiers to achieve strategic advantages in combat.
Quotes:
- “Don’t try to understand it. Feel it.” (This is ironic, because feeling it doesn’t help at all.)
- “What’s happened, happened.” (Except when it hasn’t, because time inversion.)
- “We live in a twilight world.” (Clearly.)
- “No one tells me what to do.” (Except Christopher Nolan, I guess.)
- “Time runs out.” (Especially when you’re watching this movie.)
Notes:
- The concept of “temporal pincer movement” is central to the plot. (I still don’t understand it.)
- The movie was filmed in multiple countries. (Probably to confuse the audience even more.)
- The dialogue is often muffled, making it even harder to understand what’s going on.
- The villain’s motivation is never really clear.
- Michael Caine is in it for about five minutes. (Probably his easiest paycheck ever.)
- The movie cost $200 million to make, which is approximately what it would cost to actually invent time travel. Only grossed $58 million domestic. Fair.
- Visually great as always with Nolan, plot wise a mess. Actually who knows since you can only hear half of it and need a physics degree to understand it.
Photos:
Trailer:
abigailfoskett