Neena returns with her always hilarious holiday listings that we only wish we could see for real.
OPINION
TV Bites
[Not the] TV Holiday Listings
by Neena Louise
6:00 a.m.
November Christmas (Enraged by Christmas advertising before Hallowe’en, a family decides to celebrate Christmas on November 1st, then flees to a deserted island until January 2nd. Fantasy at its finest.)
6:30 a.m.
Christmas Crash (Sci-fi thriller of every human on earth being rendered immobile the day after Christmas after indulging in sugar, sugar, and more sugar. Viewer discretion advised.)
7:30 a.m.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Despite pulling a sleigh 20 feet tall full of stolen Christmas presents, the Grinch escapes unnoticed. At first.)
7:31 a.m.
Holiday in Handcuffs (After being arrested by the Whoville police, the Grinch is outfitted with festive "bracelets" and spends the rest of the holidays eating cold, mashed roast beast.)
8:30 a.m.
Crazy Christmas Lights (A strand of Christmas lights find magic in an old felt hat they find and come to life. Delighted with Cee Lo Green’s song "Fuck You", they spell it out in the sky on Christmas Eve. Millions are outraged. Millions more cheer.)
9:30 a.m.
Polar Express (A group of Santa’s elves – disgruntled at working 364 days a year for no pay – decide to start a fast food joint called Polar Express. Too late, they realize no one’s interested in hot chocolate, fruit cake and pumpkin pie all year round and they go bankrupt.)
10:30 a.m.
He Sees You When You’re Sleeping (He also knows when you’re awake. And when you’ve been bad or good. I suspect he’s bugging the place.)
11:00 a.m.
Frosty the Snowflakes (After Frosty the Snowman melts, his children carry on the family legacy of coming to life and scaring the hell out of unsuspecting children.)
11:30 a.m.
Last Holiday (Only in my dreams.)
11:31 a.m.
Christmas in Rockefeller Center (Pretty much the same as Christmas everywhere except there’s a big ass tree with a gazillion lights.)
12:00 p.m.
A Charlie Brown Christmas (Sad documentary on the effect bullying during the holidays.)
1:00 p.m.
Barenaked for the Holidays (How nudist colonies celebrate the holidays.)
1:30 p.m.
Disney Prep & Landing (Not to be outdone by Santa, megacorporation Disney hire two elves to fly around and deliver gifts. Since they forgot to mention their clever plan to the FAA, the elves are shot down.)
2:00 p.m.
Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer (Scientists, fascinated by the bioluminescence of a particular reindeer’s nose, capture it and conduct experiments to discover its secret. When they realize the deer’s capture caused Santa’s sleigh to crash, they cover it up. Dateline investigates.)
2:30 p.m.
The Santa Suit (Kevin Sorbo dons his sexy Hercules costume only to be told by Santa Claus that it is "inappropriate" for the holidays. Sorbo suddenly finds himself dressed in an itchy Santa suit that won’t come off.)
3:00 p.m.
Miracle of Rule 34 on 34th Street (While flying happily over New York City, Santa learns of Rule 34: "If it exists there is porn of it." With much consternation, he flees, miraculously before anyone realizes he really does exist.)
3:30 p.m.
Crazy for Christmas (On Black Friday, hordes of frenzied lunatics stampede the shopping malls.)
3:32 p.m.
Chasing Christmas (Black Friday shoppers chase down fellow shoppers that are snatching up the few iPads left in the store, leading to murder and mayhem. Rated R.)
4:00 p.m.
The Last Christmas (Pretty much the same as the Christmas before that. And the Christmas before that. And the Christmas before that…)
4:30 p.m.
Shrek the Halls (An ogre provides tips on holiday decorating with readily-available materials such as mud, excrement, ear wax and onions.)
5:40 p.m.
I’ll Be Home for Christmas (But only after I’m groped, disrobed, scanned and humiliated by the Transportation Safety Administration.)
6:00 p.m.
Flight of the Reindeer (Despite the flying reindeer’s desperate escape attempt over Alaska, Sarah Palin and family demonstrate how to successfully shoot, butcher and cook the elusive creatures.)
7:00 p.m.
White Christmas (Horror story of a TV that airs only snow during the holidays.)
8:00 p.m.
Nature: Christmas in Yellowstone (Yogi Bear and Boo Boo don festive elf costumes and beg at car windows. Tourists, not recognizing them in their clever costumes, feed them. Since Yogi and Boo Boo have become accustomed to humans, park rangers euthanize them.)
9:00 p.m.
One Magic Christmas (Fantasy tale of stores not having interminable Muzak Christmas carols blaring from their loudspeakers.)
10:30 p.m.
It’s a Wonderful Life (Tell that to the millions of unemployed people and those that were subjected to illegal foreclosures.)
11:59 p.m.
Silent Night (All is calm. Finally.)
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