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TV Bites: [Not the] TV Holiday Listings 2012

by Neena Louise


6:00 a.m. Holiday in Handcuffs
Where Lindsay Lohan will be this Christmas.
7:30 a.m. Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town
You better not pout or cry. He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so you better watch out: Santa’s a creepy stalker.
8:30 a.m. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Instructional video on how to rob people blind on Christmas Eve. Of course, you have to be green with shoes that are too tight, a heart that’s too small and a head that’s not screwed on right. Good luck with that.
9:30 a.m. A Christmas Carol
Story of a Christmas miracle where only one Muzak Christmas carol is played in stores. Fantasy at its finest.
10:00 a.m. One Magic Christmas
One and only one. Too bad you missed it.
11:00 a.m. My Crazy Obsession: Christmas Edition
These people aren’t crazy. They’re weirdo freaks.
12:30 a.m. A Christmas Story
A kid wants a BB gun for Christmas and…well, that’s pretty much it.
12:31 p.m. Blake Shelton’s Not-So-Family Christmas
Blake Shelton teams up with fellow Voice judges Christina Aguilera, Cee Lo Green and Adam Levine to celebrate the holidays. They begin arguing and throwing turkey legs and egg nog at each other. Carson Daly tries to intervene, but is his usual ineffective self. Actually, this is like a family Christmas.
1:00 p.m. Home for the Holidays
They say there’s no place like it. I beg to differ.
1:30 p.m. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
When a reindeer is shunned for being different, his depression leads to chronic alcoholism. When it begins affecting his one-day-a-year job, Santa sends him to rehab.
2:10 p.m. Miracle of Element 34
After losing Rudolph to rehab at Christmas, Santa discovers selenium and uses it in a solar-powered lamp to guide his sleigh. Too bad he forgot that he flies at night.
2:40 p.m. Christmas Crash
After Santa crashes his unlit sleigh into the Rockies on Christmas Eve, Homeland Security arrests and detains him under the Patriot Act.
3:00 p.m. Frosty Returns
Frosty the Snowman returns all the idiotic gifts he received for Christmas. While waiting in the long line-up, he melts.
3:30 p.m. Four Christmases
Horror tale of a family that has to endure not one, not two, but four Christmases. Murder and mayhem ensue. Rated R.
4:00 p.m. Crazy Christmas Lights
A box of knotted-up Christmas lights gets severe claustrophobia and jump out, rolling themselves around all around town.
4:30 p.m. Battle of the Bulbs
When balls of knotted-up lights begin terrorizing a town, meticulously-stored bulbs – that had never seen a knot in their lives – begin putting them out. Suddenly the town goes dark and becomes:
5:00 p.m. The Town Santa Forgot
After a mighty knotted-up vs. carefully-stored Christmas lights war, a darkened town gets missed by Santa.
5:30 p.m. The Perfect Holiday
Christmas advertising doesn’t start until after Thanksgiving. Great gifts are found for everyone first time around. The house cleans and decorates itself. The food is catered. Weird Uncle Bob doesn’t get drunk and obnoxious. No one argues. Perfect.
6:00 p.m. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
It’s called Hallowe’en.
7:00 p.m. Jack Frost
After nipping the noses of children, Jack Frost gets arrested for child abuse.
8:30 p.m. Shrek the Halls
A large green ogre with a Scottish accent lurches down the halls of a school during the Christmas season, spreading bad cheer along with poo and earwax. The students mock and laugh, taking cell-phone video that goes viral on YouTube.
9:30 p.m. The Ultimate Christmas Present
A tie. No, wait: a flat screen TV. No, a Ferrari. Oh, screw it. There’s no such thing.
10:30 p.m. It’s a Wonderful Life
Small town loser finds the spirit of Christmas and decides it’s a wonderful life after all. Then he loses his house to foreclosure, his kids get hooked on bath salts and his wife leaves him on Christmas Eve for a large bearded fellow. Not so wonderful now, is it?
11:58 p.m. Jingle All the Way
If I hear one more jingle, I might just scream.
11:59 p.m. Silent Night
At last.


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