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TV Bites – [Not the] TV Holiday Listings 2013


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[Not the] TV Holiday Listings 2013

by Neena Louise


6:00 a.m. Christmas Crash
When the Obamacare website crashes for the 3,287,937th time on Christmas Eve, fed-up Americans flock north to Canada to take advantage of their publicly-funded, accessible, life-long universal health care coverage.
7:30 a.m. Polar Express
Having had enough of their arduous one-day-a-year job, Santa’s reindeer decide to train a team of polar bears to take their place. Their error quickly becomes apparent when they get eaten.
8:30 a.m. November Christmas
When tiresome Christmas advertising begins on November 1, everyone decides to put an early end to it and celebrates before Thanksgiving. Santa makes his rounds on December 24th, but finds no cookies, milk nor decorations. Angry and hurt, he retires to the Bahamas.
9:30 a.m. ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas
And all through the house, not a creature was stirring until it turned into:
9:31 a.m. The Nightmare Before Christmas
And all through the house, every creature was bouncing off the walls, wreaking havoc.
10:00 a.m. I’ll be in a Home for Christmas
After all the stress and demands of getting ready for Christmas, a man breaks down and finds himself in a psychiatric hospital recovering from “exhaustion”. By December 24th, so many have joined him that the hospital has to close its doors.
11:00 a.m. Cancel Christmas
You mean this is an option? Wish I’d known.
11:01 a.m. Christmas Lodge
The Grand Poobah and Santa Claus duke it out for dominance on Christmas Eve at the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes Lodge. Fred Flintstone referees and declares Santa the winner. Since it is millions of years before Christmas came into being, he’s put on ice.
12:30 p.m. Yule Log
Log. Fire. Burn. Pretty straightforward.
12:31 p.m. White Christmas
Toronto mayor Rob Ford asks Santa for some “white stuff”. Santa refuses and begs him to get help. Ford, insisting he doesn’t need help, buys some from an undercover cop instead. When he’s arrested, he apologizes, assuming that will make it all better. It doesn’t.
2:00 p.m. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus
Why, yes. Yes, there is, Virginia. And Sally. And Joe. And Tiffany. And Bob. And…well, everyone.
3:00 p.m. Christmas in Wonderland
Alice goes down the rabbit hole and finds an entire world dedicated to Christmas. At first delighted, she soon runs screaming in horror, trying to find an exit.
4:28 p.m. Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer
After Jack Frost nips the nose of Rudolph, it first becomes inflamed, then severely infected and he has to be put down. Jack Frost is subsequently arrested for cruelty to animals.
5:00 p.m. Frosty the Snowblower
Some children create a snowman that comes to life. Not knowing what to do with himself, Frosty decides to clear roads and walkways with a snowblower. The blowing snow sticks to him and he becomes very large. It’s abnormal.
5:30 p.m. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Well, it would be if advertisers didn’t beat you over the head with it for weeks on end.
5:44 p.m. Holiday in Handcuffs
On Christmas Eve, George Zimmerman points a gun at Santa, shrieking that he’s in fear of his life, demanding Santa leave at once. A terrified Santa tearfully begs to be spared, insisting he’s only there to bring gifts. Police arrive just in time and Zimmerman spends the rest of the decade in jail and the rest of his life on the Naughty List.
6:00 p.m. The Perfect Holiday
Oh puh-leeze! There’s no such thing.
6:01 p.m. Desperately Seeking Santa
Knowing her music isn’t nearly good enough to stand on its own, a desperate Miley Cyrus, dressed only in a thong, hops aboard Santa’s sleigh and twerks in his face, hoping he’ll leave her CD under many Christmas trees. When Santa studiously ignores her, she lolls out her tongue and suggestively ogles his crotch. Repulsed and horrified, Santa shoves her off over the Arctic Ocean where she lands on the Island of Misfit Toys to live out her days in oblivion. The world cheers.
8:00 p.m. Trading Christmas
I’d like to trade it for Hallowe’en, please.
8:32 p.m. Holiday Wishes
A Christmas genie appears and grants 3 wishes to everyone he meets. These are mine: 1. Christmas commercials don’t start until after Thanksgiving. 2. No one plays Christmas music until two weeks before Christmas. 3. No one fights, gets plastered nor gets obnoxious; perfect gifts are given and received; getting ready for Christmas is stress-free; I pig out and don’t gain an ounce…Okay, so that’s a couple more than three.
9:00 p.m. Will You Merry Me?
No. I will grouchy you, though.
9:12 p.m. Miraclebody Jeans on 34th Street
After being bullied for being a fatty, Santa buys a pair of Miraclebody Slimming Jeans at Bloomingdale’s in New York, wanting to look “10 pounds lighter in 10 seconds”. Instead, he resembles a large sausage and, by the time he reaches 34th Street an attosecond [a quintillionth of a second] later, he’s so uncomfortable that he leaves them under the tree for someone who is already skinny and gets back into his roomy flannels. He puts the bullies on the Naughty List and tells them to get a life as he eats another cookie.
10:00 p.m. All She Wants for Christmas
Is her two front teeth… Wait. What?! Just where, exactly, did her two front teeth go and why in the world would she want them back? Ew.
11:00 p.m. A Christmas Story
Once upon a time…oh, c’mon! Regardless of your beliefs, if you don’t know what Christmas is by now, you need to come out from that rock you’ve been living under.
11:30 p.m. Jingle All the Way
From here to there to everywhere. I do not like them in the shops. I do not like them where I stop. I do not like them on the air. I do not like them here or there. I do not like them anywhere. If I have to hear one more Christmas tune, I might go insane.
11:58 p.m. A Christmas Carol
11:59 p.m. Silent Night
Okay. All better, now.


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