OPINION
TV Bites
[Not the] TV Holiday Listings 2014
by Neena Louise
| 6:00 a.m. | Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Rudolph rides again, guiding Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve with his very shiny nose. An alarmed citizen calls the CDC, insistingRudiolph’s red nose is a symptom of the Ebola virus. Santa, his reindeer and all the giftsare quarantined for 21 days, cancelling Christmas for millions. |
| 8:30 a.m. | Saving Santa NASA’s Rosetta spacecraft accidentally snags Santa’s sleigh mid-flight and deposits it on Comet 67P. Horrified, NASA engineers send out an emergency rescue craft. Since the comet is in space, however, Santa and the reindeer are, of course, dead. |
| 9:30 a.m. | National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Heartwarming holiday tale ofan invasion of nutty relatives, a boss from hell, obnoxious neighbors, light-hanging mishaps, huge electric bills, a loose squirrel, an inedible turkey, fire, and a dead cat. |
| 10:00 a.m. | Nick of Time Johnny Depp stars as an accountant who gets caught up in an assassination plot…wait. What?? Oh, wrong movie. Let’s try that again: |
| 10:01 a.m. | In the Nick of Time Lloyd Bridges stars as Santa who is desperately searching for a replacement on Christmas Eve in New York City. Hey, Disney: Issue this great holiday flick on DVD or Netflix or something. Anything would be better than my shitty 20-year-old VHS tape. Do it now! |
| 11:00 a.m. | The Road to Christmas Is paved with the detritus of gift-wrap, frayed nerves and total exhaustion. |
| 12:00 p.m. | 12 Dates of Christmas In this instructional cooking show, Nigella Lawson demonstrates the perfect fruitcake recipe using 12 – and only 12 – dates. She accidentally uses 13, completely ruiningthe whole thing and has to start over. |
| 1:00 p.m. | Frosty the Snowpocalypse An alien in the guise of a snowman wreaks havoc on earth by making it snow for 40 days and 40 nights. After spending a week digging his house out, a man hunts Frosty down and destroys him with a flamethrower. |
| 3:00 p.m. | Christmas Kiss Hershey creates a giant red and green chocolate Kiss at its plant in Mexico and donates it to an orphanage. When contaminated wateris used, it makes all the children sick. Lawsuits ensue. |
| 4:30 p.m. | The Nightmare Before Christmas Advertisers begin hawking Christmas shopping on October 25; Christmas carols start blaring on every loudspeaker, TV show and radio station on November 1; and, Thanksgiving is pretty much lost in the fray. In other words: same as every year. |
| 5:00 p.m. | A Christmas Song A Christmas song? You mean just one?? Where might one experience this? I’d like to go there. Now. |
| 5:01 p.m. | Bad Santa An alcoholic, horny, cursing, child-hating thief poses as Santa. It is later discovered that he’s actually the real Santa and he is only jolly one day a year. |
| 5:30 p.m. | Miracle Noodles on 34th Street Santa, believing the idiotic myth that eating sweets gives you diabetes, opts to give out thecalorie- and carb-free miracle noodles instead. Reeking of fish with the consistency of rubber, the noodles turn everyone from nice to naughty. With no one left on the nice list and a sleigh full of gifts with no one to give them to, Santa makes a second hurried flight to exchange the noodles for sweets. All is right with the world. |
| 6:00 p.m. | It’s a Wonderful Life Loser makes good. There. Now you don’t have to watch any of the 4,382 airings this year. |
| 6:01 p.m. | How the Grinch Stole Christmas A green mutant who lives a hermit’s life high on a mountain with his dog Max hates Christmas and vows to stop it from coming. When he fails, his heart grows two sizes and bursts, killing him. |
| 7:00 p.m. | I Am Santa Claus Black Sabbath rewrites the lyrics to “Iron Man” to suit the holiday season. [see below] |
| 7:05:52 p.m. | One Magic Christmas A harried mother discovers that if she closes her eyes and says “bah humbug” three times, she is magically transported from Thanksgiving to December 26th. |
| 8:30 p.m. | Elf A man, believing he was an elf his whole life, discovers he is actually a human. He travels to New York City to find his human family where he gets run down by a taxi andis killed. He then becomes: |
| 9:00 p.m. | The Elf on the Shelf When the human he adopted and raised as an elfis killed by a taxi, a distraught Santa has him cremated and places the urn on the shelf above his fireplace. |
| 10:15 p.m. | Anything But Christmas Really, anything. I’d prefer Halloween, but I’ll take Easter or Columbus Day, Secretary’s Day or even the ridiculous made-up Earth Day. |
| 10:15 p.m. | Flight of the Reindeer Documentary on the scientific analyses of flying reindeer. When an expert proclaims it’s impossible for reindeer to fly, an incensed Santa lands his sleigh on the expert’s roof and lets them poop all over it. |
| 10:45 p.m. | Naughty or Nice A child who realizes that naughty is awhole lot more fun than nice gets nothing but socks and underwear for Christmas. Totally worth it. |
| 11:00 p.m. | The Ultimate Christmas Present A woman hates the chaos that leads up to Christmas so much that the only gift she asks for is that it be cancelled. Her wishis granted and she realizes too late that she actually likes Christmas after all, in spite of all the bullshit that goes with it. Starring me. |
| 11:59 p.m. | Silent Night May we all give thanks that it’s over for another year. |
Santa Claus
Sung to the tune of “Iron Man”
I am Santa Claus!
He hasn’t lost his mind
He can see and is not blind.
Can he fly at all
Or if he stops, will he fall?
He is alive, not dead;
He has gift lists in his head.
We’ll not pass him there;
We can’t help but to care.
He has built a brand
In the great North Pole wasteland.
Where he traveled from
To give presents to mankind.
Everyone wants him
He just stares at the world
Planning his flight path
That he will soon go on.
Now the time is here
For Santa Claus to spread cheer.
Vengeance from the sleigh
Gives coal to bad kids that stray.
Everyone wants him;
They all make their lists.
Everyone loves him;
Now he rises from the mists.
Heavy boots of skin
Make the children grin and grin
Running as fast as they can
Santa Claus rides again!
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