16th Annual Oskerbites

by Neena Louise

Worst Dressed Female

Lorelei Linklater
Very tough choice this year, with so many stars wearing curtains (Keira Knightley, Lady Gaga, Chloë Grace Moretz, Oprah Winfrey, etc., etc.), but Linklater takes it. It appears that she raided her grandmother’s scrap basket and haphazardly stapled a bunch of pieces together at the last minute to make some sort of body wrapper (you couldn’t call it a “dress”, after all).

 

Runner-up

Marion Cotillard
Cotillard draped herself in what appeared to be bubble wrap. I guess she also ripped it, since there seemed to be a swatch of black duct tape stuck on her butt.

 

Worst Dressed Male

Jared Leto
Leto was all dressed up for senior prom in his ill-fitting baby blue tux.

 

Best Dressed Female

America Ferrera
Her elegant green gown was stunning – perfectly accessorized and perfectly suited to Ferrera.

Best Dressed Male

J.K. Simmons
The hat, the watch chain, the purple pocket square that matched his wife’s dress…it all worked.

Worst Accessory

Scarlett Johansson’s necklace
Her foundation-garment dress certainly wasn’t saved by the crystal green vomit spewing down her front.

Best Accessory

Nicole Kidman’s clutch purse
Her dress was horrible and the purse didn’t match at all, but who cares? I want it.

Worst Hair

Scarlett Johansson
The 1980s called and wants its hair back.

Best Hair

Chrissy Teigen
Her long wavy locks were lovely and a very refreshing change from the slicked-back helmets so many others sported.

Worst Acceptance Speech

Patricia Arquette (Actress in a Supporting Role, Boyhood)
Robotically reading off a piece of paper she held out at I-need-new-glasses length, Arquette’s speech was easily the worst of the night. Meryl Streep jumping to her feet with an enthusiastic “yes!” at the end was just…weird.

Best Acceptance Speech

J.K. Simmons (Actor in a Supporting Role, Whiplash)
Instead of reeling off a bunch of names no one knows nor cares about, Simmons spent his time thanking his family, and still managed to be both funny and sweet.

Worst Song Presentation

“Everything is Awesome”, The Lego Movie
WTF was that?? It started off pretty cool with Lego people singing the opening bars, but then it deteriorated into a whirling dervish of dorky singers in dorkier costumes thronging the stage. Though I loved Will Arnett doing his “Batman” bit from the movie, they should’ve stuck with the Lego people. Loved the Lego Oscars, though. I want one!

Best Song Presentation

“Glory” (John Legend, Common, Selma)
Could’ve done without the backdrops, but this sounded great and was very moving. Thankfully, these guys can sing.

Worst Shout-Out

Sean Penn saying “Who gave this son of a bitch his green card?” before announcing Birdman and director Alejandro G. Iñarritu for best picture. Excuse me? That was one of the rudest things I’ve ever heard at the Oscars.

Best Shout-Out

Neil Patrick Harris saying “[Benedict Cumberbatch] is also the sound you get when you ask John Travolta to pronounce ‘Ben Affleck’.” Hah!

Least Deserving of an Oscar Nomination

All of them for Birdman
I absolutely hated the movie Birdman – more than any movie I’ve seen in recent memory. Boring and weird, I don’t get why the Academy and critics found it so gosh-darned glorious. I think it stank.

 

Most Deserving of an Oscar Nomination

Benedict Cumberbatch (Actor in a Leading Role, The Imitation Game)
I can’t think of anyone who could’ve done a better job of portraying Alan Turing.

Least Deserving of an Oscar

All of them for Birdman

See “Least Deserving of an Oscar Nomination”.

Most Deserving of an Oscar

Julianne Moore (Actress in a Leading Role, Still Alice)
Moore totally earned her statue for her naked portrayal of a woman struggling with Alzheimer’s.

Least Surprising Winners

Julianne Moore, Patricia Arquette and J.K. Simmons
No one else was going to win in their categories.

Most Surprising Winner

Birdman (Best Picture)
I’m surprised that the weird Birdman won over the far-more-interesting and original Boyhood.

Worst Presenter

Sean Penn
Not only did he look half asleep and mumbled like Matthew McConaughey in the Lincoln commercials, he was also rude (see “Worst Shout-Out”).

Best Presenter

Julie Andrews
Elegant, gracious and charming and one of the few that didn’t appear to just be reading off the teleprompter.

Worst Reaction of a Winner

No bad reactions that I noticed.

Best Reaction of a Winner

Eddie Redmayne (Actor in a Leading Role, The Theory of Everything)
His squealing “wow” after he used the word “Oscar” for the first time was very cute.

Biggest Loser

Boyhood
Six nominations and just one statue (Patricia Arquette, Actress in a Supporting Role).

I wasn’t sure what kind of host Neil Patrick Harris would make, but I was somewhat surprised. He actually made me laugh at times, although a lot of his jokes fell horrible flat. And what was up with the tiresome “locked suitcase” thing? The opening number was very cool and funny – especially Jack Black’s rant (admit it: we were all thinking what he sang out loud). The opening was enjoyable until the end when a bunch of bad dancers thronged the stage in movie costumes. That was so unnecessary.

 

The Oscar stage was strange once again: filled with glittery lights and what seemed to be big plastic dandelions on the sides. When the giant golden Q-tips showed up, and bits of paper periodically fluttered from the rafters, I surrendered to a bout of eye-rolling. I don’t know what the Oscar stage designers are thinking; the stage gets weirder and weirder every year.
Again this year, the most irritating thing about the entire evening were all the standing ovations. Towards the end, the audience appeared to become more and more reluctant to stand again as they struggled from their seats for yet another non-ovation-worthy moment. They need to stop doing this for every little thing and save the ovations for truly special moments.

 

Overall, it was pretty much your standard boring Oscar broadcast: The fashion, the idjits that use the huge audience for their political spew, the fact that it is far too long and blah, blah, blah. I think that perhaps next year I won’t even bother to watch it live and just get recaps online. My aging butt can’t take this anymore!

 

For those who missed them:

Picture: Birdman, Alejandro G. Iñarritu, John Lesher, James W. Skotchdopole
Director: Alejandro G. Iñarritu, Birdman
Actor in a Leading Role: Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Actress in a Leading Role: Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Actor in a Supporting Role: J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Actress in a Supporting Role: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Foreign Language Film: Ida, Poland, Pawel Pawlikowski (director)
Cinematography: Birdman, Emmanuel Lubezki
Original Screenplay: Alejandro G. Iñarritu, Nicolàs Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris, Jr., Armando Bo, Birdman
Adapted Screenplay: Graham Moore, The Imitation Game
Documentary Feature: CitizenFour, Laura Poitras, Mathilde Bonnejoy, Dirk Wilutzky
Documentary Short Subject: Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1, Ellen Goosenberg Kent, Dana Perry
Live Action Short Film: The Phone Call, Mat Kirkby, James Lucas
Film Editing: Tom Cross, Whiplash
Makeup and Hairstyling: Grand Budapest Hotel, Frances Hannon, Mark Coulier
Production Design: The Grand Budapest Hotel, Adam Stockhausen, Anna Pinnock
Sound Mixing: Whiplash, Craig Mann, Ben Wilkins, Thomas Curley
Sound Editing: American Sniper, Alan Robert Murray, Bub Asman
Visual Effects: Interstellar, Paul Franklin, Andrew Lockley, Ian Hunter, Scott Fisher
Costume Design: The Grand Budapest Hotel, Milena Canonero
Original Score: Alexandre Desplat, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Original Song: “Glory”, Selma, John Stephens, Lonnie Lynn
Animated Feature Film: Big Hero 6, Don Hall, Chris Williams, Roy Conli
Animated Short Film: Feast, Patrick Osborne, Kristina Reed
Honorary Oscars: Jean-Claude Carrière, Hayao Miyazaki, Maureen O’Hara
Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award: Harry Belafonte