OPINION
TV Bites
[Not the] TV Holiday Listings 2015
by Neena Louise
| 6:00 a.m. | 12 Days of Christmas Eve Horror tale of a family that’s stuck in a time warp, experiencing Christmas Eve over and over and over… |
| 7:30 a.m. | The Christmas Card A family receives a glitter-laden Christmas card from long-lost relatives. The glitter (aka “Devil’s Dust”) suddenly flies off the card and coats everything in the house and is impossible to clean off. They realize too late the long-lost relatives hate them and were exacting their revenge. |
| 9:00 a.m. | On Strike for Christmas Oh, how very tempting! |
| 9:01 a.m. | Jack Frost Tired of torturing children by nipping their noses and ears and toes, Jack Frost realizes he can make pretty patterns on windows. He secretly starts expressing his artistic freedom and becomes known as “The Banksy of Winter”. Banksy objects, but can do nothing without compromising his carefully-crafted oh-so-mysterious persona. |
| 11:00 a.m. | Miracle on 34th Street Only one miracle and only on 34th Street. If you live anywhere else on the planet, you’re SOL. |
| 12:00 p.m. | Little Drummer Boy A young boy is enlisted by three wise men to serenade a newborn that’s living in a barn. The boy drums enthusiastically. The baby screams, the animals moo, baa, grunt and bray. The cacophony is deafening. Not such a wise idea, actually. |
| 1:00 p.m. | Dear Santa Dear Santa: All I want for Christmas is peace on earth and goodwill to all. Yeah, right. If that’s all anyone ever got for Christmas, they wouldn’t bother with it. |
| 1:01 p.m. | Babes in Toyland Toys R Us, having learned its lesson from the failure of using scantily-clad women to promote its Christmas sales, uses mascots dressed as large baby dolls instead. Children flee in terror. |
| 2:30 p.m. | Love For Christmas That made sense when Christmas was actually just Christmas. There’s no love for Christmas now when you’re beaten over the head with it everywhere you go for weeks on end. |
| 3:00 p.m. | A Christmas Story A young boy wants a BB gun for Christmas. Everyone tells him he’ll poke his eye out if he gets one. Fed up, he pokes his own eye out, ending that argument once and for all. Spoiler alert: He gets the gun. |
| 4:30 p.m. | Black Christmas Advertisers start airing their Christmas commercials on November 1st, evoking the feeling of impending doom. |
| 5:00 p.m. | Baby’s First Christmas Mark Zuckerberg’s newborn “Max”, discovers her parents vow to give away most of their money and makes a plea to Santa to stop them. Santa responds and discovers it was all just a publicity stunt. |
| 6:00 p.m. | The Most Wonderful Time of the Year Pretty much any time between December 26th and October 31st. |
| 6:30 p.m. | I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus And it freaked me out. I wondered why she always gets such good gifts and I only get socks and underwear. Now I know.
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| 6:31 p.m. | Bad Santa After kissing Mommy, Santa has to put himself on the naughty list. |
| 6:32 p.m. | Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer Heart-warming holiday tale of a bullied reindeer – whose nose lights up and toots – that eventually becomes accepted. Wait..what, now? If I saw a talking reindeer that had a light-up tooting nose, I’d shoot it. |
| 8:00 p.m. | Finding Christmas Like you could lose Christmas. |
| 8:01 p.m. | Frosty the Snowmobile A snowman that comes to life has a hard time getting around without legs. He builds himself a snowmobile from snow. At first he becomes stuck to it, then becomes part of it. Since there is no motor, Frosty can no longer move at all. |
| 9:00 p.m. | How the Grinch Stole Christmas A hate-filled green mutant steals all the Christmas decorations, food and gifts from the town of Whoville. Not having to deal with all the stress and work, the Whos cheer. Since the Grinch wanted sobs and disappointment, not joy, he puts everything back. He gets his wish. |
| 10:00 p.m. | The Tree that Saved Christmas A poor family that has no gifts or decorations uses an old felt hat they find on a Christmas tree instead of a star. The tree suddenly comes to life, lurches around the house, proclaiming “I am Groot” and sprouts poinsettias. |
| 11:00 p.m. | Four Christmases A harried man tries to appease every relative on both his and his wife’s sides of the family. After eating four Christmas dinners, he explodes. |
| 11:58 p.m. | Surviving Christmas Somehow we’ve all managed it, and it is now: |
| 11:59 p.m. | Silent Night All is calm for another year. Well, more like 10 months. |
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