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(Not) The TV Holiday Listings 2016


by Neena Louise


6:00 a.m. The Nightmare Before Christmas
Donald Trump is elected President of the United States. The end of the world commences.


6:01 a.m. Catch a Christmas Star
Santa has a few too many and accidentally launches his sleigh into outer space. He sees a pretty glittery thing and goes to trap it. It turns out to be a star and he’s instantly incinerated.


8:00 a.m. The Search for Santa Paws
Santa, tired of the reindeer complaining about their one-day-a-year work schedule, decides to replace them with sled dogs and embarks on a worldwide search to find the perfect dogs.


9:00 a.m. The Night Before the Night Before Christmas
Since “Christmas” seems to start on Nov 1st, it’s more like the night before the night before the night before the night before…well, you get the picture.


11:00 a.m. November Christmas
I rest my case.


12:00 p.m. Christmas in July
Oh gawd! Don’t give advertisers any ideas!


12:01 p.m. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Driven mad by the incessant racket and Christmas carols, a grumpy green mutant steals everything Christmas-related that he can find in an attempt to stop it. It makes no difference, so he moves. Like he should’ve done years before. Duh.


1:00 p.m. It’s a Wonderful Life
After a life of misery trapped in a small town that he despises, a man is driven to the brink of suicide. He is sent a low-ranking angel that shows him how even more hellish the town would be without him. He decides his miserable life wasn’t so miserable after all. A heartwarming tale of settling for mediocrity.


3:00 p.m. A Christmas Too Many
Pretty much every Christmas since I was 12 years old.


3:30 p.m. Santa Preys for Christmas
He sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake. If that’s not a predator, I don’t know what is.


4:30 p.m. Casper’s Haunted Christmas
A friendly ghost, frustrated at his inability to scare anyone, decides to haunt a family by singing Christmas carols continuously, 24/7. Horrified, the family hires an exorcist. 


5:00 p.m. Babes in Toyland
Toys R Us, encouraged by Donald Trump’s success despite his unapologetic sexism, revives its tradition of staffing their stores with scantilly-clad women during the holidays. Sales plummet, but Trump and his cronies are there every day, to shop ogle show their support.


5:30 p.m. On Strike for Christmas
Santa’s elves, tired of getting only one day a year off, go on strike. Santa refuses to give in to their demands and moves his operations to Mexico.


6:30 p.m. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
It’s called “Hallowe’en”.


6:31 p.m. Surviving Christmas
Bear Grylls takes a group of people into the wilds of suburbia. He teaches them how to tune out the pervasive Christmas carols, shop without stress, find parking in crowded malls, prepare meals from whatever you have in your fridge, clean your house in only one hour and put up with weird Uncle Bob. Spoiler alert: Most don’t make it until the end.


8:00 p.m. In the Nick of Time
Hey, Disney, I see you still haven’t released this little-known gem on DVD, forcing me back to my craptastic 20+-year-old VHS tape. Release it now!


9:30 p.m. Christmas Mail
A postal worker goes postal after weeks of working 18-hour shifts processing Santa’s mail. Rated NC-17.


10:00 p.m. Frosty the Fern
Frosty the Snowman gets tired of melting every spring and asks Santa to find a solution. Santa obliges and transforms him into a frosted fern. Try as he might, Frosty can no longer communicate and is forced to sit silently in dirt while humans occasionally throw water on him. A cautionary tale of being careful what you wish for.


10:30 p.m. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer Games
After getting stranded on the Island of Misfit Toys for years, Rudolph escapes and takes up with Yukon Cornelius’ girlfriend. Rudolph finds acceptance at last as the couple embark on a life of crime.


11:00 p.m. The Town Santa Forgot
Also known as Aleppo.


11:01 p.m. Miracle Drink on 34th Street
When making deliveries along 34th Street in New York City, Santa finds the expected milk and cookies have been replaced with the nasty apple-beetroot-carrot concoction, Miracle Drink. Disgusted and outraged, he leaves only lumps of coal.


11:59 p.m. Silent Night
May the real celebrations begin!
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