OPINION
TV Bites
[Not the] TV Holiday Listings 2017
by Neena Louise
| 6:00 a.m. | All Dogs Christmas Carol Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Matt Lauer and many, many others star in this charming Christmas tale of men groping innocent boys and girls. When Santa finds out what these dogs are doing, he banishes them to the Island of Misfit Toys for life. |
| 7:00 a.m. | Coming Home for Christmas Documentary of tricks and tips on the best way to travel during the holidays. The conclusion: stay home. |
| 8:00 a.m. | Almost Christmas Advertisers, not content with starting their holiday advertising on November 1st, decree Halloween null and void and start their ads September 1st proclaiming “It’s almost Christmas! Get out there and shop!” Assholes. |
| 9:00 a.m. | A Christmas Carol Well, not “a” Christmas Carol; more like 3,927,302 of them. Everywhere. All day long. For weeks and weeks on end. This must stop. |
| 11:00 a.m. | Every Christmas Has a Story Not a good story, mind you, but a story. |
| 11:05 p.m. | In the Nick of Time Okay, Disney, what is it you want in order to release this gem on DVD? Whatever it is, you got it! |
| 12:00 p.m. | Rudolph the REDCard Reindeer After sending out their holiday flyer in October, Target issues a special REDCard to Rudolph the Reindeer. Rudolph, disgusted with the early holiday crap, eats it. His nose then shines red and projects the Target logo all over the North Pole. Santa shoots him to put him out of his misery. Lawsuits ensue. |
| 1:30 p.m. | Olive the Other Reindeer After the untimely death of Rudolph, the wild reindeer Olive is put in charge of guiding Santa’s sleigh. She has no shiny nose, no sense of direction, won’t listen to Santa’s instructions and can’t read a map. Chaos and more lawsuits ensue. |
| 2:00 p.m. | Love You Like Christmas |
| 2:01 p.m. | A Charlie Brown Christmas A boy is incessantly bullied at Christmas just because he’s different. He gets his revenge when Santa lavishes him with gifts and gives only lumps of coal to his tormenters. |
| 3:00 p.m. | A Christmas Wedding Not content with the chaos and stress of Christmas on its own, a couple decides to get married on Christmas Day. It does not go well. |
| 4:30 p.m. | My Christmas Dream No one fights. No one gives stupid gifts. The house cleans and decorates itself. My appliances do all of the cooking for me. Weird Uncle Bob stays home. Fantasy at its finest! |
| 5:30 p.m. | Pete’s Christmas Horror movie of a teenage boy who finds himself reliving a miserable Christmas over and over and over again. Viewer discretion advised. |
| 7:00 p.m. | The Town Santa Forgot Donald Trump signs an Executive Order, decreeing Santa may not visit any town that has any Muslim residents. Since that’s all of America, Santa simply skips the USA. Trump finally loses the little support he still had. |
| 7:30 p.m. | Miracle in Room 34 Having been banned from the U.S. due to its Muslim population, Santa visits Room 34 at the British Museum instead (“The Islamic World”). Gaining respect for the people, culture and history, Santa ignores Trump’s Executive Order and delivers to the U.S. anyway. |
| 8:00 p.m. | It’s a Wonderful Life ‘Tisn’t. |
| 8:01 p.m. | How the Grinch Stole Christmas A strange green fellow with a heart problem and ill-fitting shoes tries to stop Christmas. He fails when his shoes cut off the circulation to his feet and he develops gangrene that he can’t see because, he’s, y’know green. |
| 9:00 p.m. | One Magic Christmas Crabby woman incessantly bitches about Christmas. I can relate. |
| 930 p.m. | Frosty the Snowpocalypse A snowman that comes to life becomes enraged at being given a useless button for a nose, sightless coal eyes, and a cancer-inducing pipe. He makes it snow for 40 days and 40 nights in retaliation. |
| 10:30 p.m. | Seasons’ Greetings Cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg and cloves all have a Christmas party in the cupboard. Things get crazy and they end up getting all mixed up, becoming Pumpkin Spice. They then start a rock band with the allspice. |
| 11:58 p.m. | Surviving Christmas Somehow we’ve all managed it again this year and it is now: |
| 11:59 p.m. | Silent Night Finally. |
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