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[Not the] TV Holiday Listings 2018


TV Bites

[Not the] TV Holiday Listings 2018

by Neena Louise

6:00 a.m.November Christmas
Considering the hawking of Christmas begins November 1st (if you’re lucky), that pretty much sums it up. 

7:00 a.m.Home for the Holidays
On Christmas Eve, Donald Trump turfs out everyone that might possibly could be maybe an immigrant, saying he’s doing them a favor by sending them “home” for Christmas. Other than indigenous people, the United States is left with a population of 0.

8:00 a.m.Finding Christmas
Like you could ever lose it.

8:01 a.m.Snowglobe
It’s a globe. It has snow. Any questions?

8:02 a.m.Holidaze
A documentary that explores the serious health hazard and possible treatments of being glassy-eyed and stressed out during the holidays. Conclusion: skip it.

10:30 a.m.National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
A family doesn’t actually go anywhere, but gets invaded by weird relatives instead. Worst. Vacation. Ever.

12:00 p.m.Wonderful Christmas: Feliz Navidad
Doesn’t matter if it’s in Spanish or English. Or any language, for that matter. There’s no such thing.

1:30 p.m.Catch a Christmas Star
Burn your hands. 

1:32 p.m.Frosty the Inflatable Snowman
Still mourning the loss of Frosty the Snowman when he melted, children affix a 20-ft tall inflatable replica on their roof and put Frosty’s old hat on it. He comes back to life, but becomes very lonely and depressed since no one can visit him on top of a roof. He gets put out his misery when he gets punctured by Santa’s sleigh, deflates, and blows away.

3:30 p.m.It’s a Wonderful Life

3:31 p.m.Miracle on the M34
After Santa’s reindeer become fatigued on 34th Street in New York City and refuse to go any further, Santa’s forced onto the M34 bus. It runs on time, no one harasses him, tries to rob him, nor makes any derogatory remarks about his weight. It’s a miracle! 

5:00 p.m.Crazy for Christmas
No, no. It’s “Crazy AT Christmas”. 

5:30 p.m.He Sees You When You’re Sleeping
He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good… Okay, it’s time to change all your passwords now that Santa’s hacked all your online accounts.

7:00 p.m.The Nightmare Before Christmas
Pretty much every day from November 1st to December 24th. 

7:30 p.m.Switchmas
I’d like to switch it for Hallowe’en, please.

7:31 p.m.Naughty or Nice
I’ll take naughty, thank you. But, naughty in a good way. Heh, heh.

8:00 p.m.The Little Drummer Boy
A young child is honored by leading a caravan heading to Bethlehem. Before it reaches its destination, the caravan is tear-gassed, shot at and turned away. It’s a very quiet first Christmas.

9:00 p.m.A Christmas Story
Just one? Ha! There are a bazillion gazillion on a continuous TV loop for weeks and weeks. I wish there was “a” Christmas story.

930 p.m.Flight of the Reindeer
A biologist explains how it’s impossible for reindeer to fly and everyone should stop believing such nonsense. Offended, Santa lands his sleigh on the biologist’s roof and allows the reindeer to stomp holes in it and poop all over it. 

10:30 p.m.Scrooged
An ad exec hates Christmas, but comes to realize he doesn’t actually. Kinda like…me.

11:58 p.m.Surviving Christmas
We’ve all managed once again, and it is now:

11:59 p.m.Silent Night 
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