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[Not the] TV Holiday Listings 2019 – TV Bites


by Neena Louise

6:00 a.m.November October Christmas
It used to be November, but Kraft started airing their holiday Philadelphia Cream Cheese ad on October the frigging 17th, and incessantly thereafter. Kraft is on the Naughty List this year.

7:00 a.m.Baby’s First Christmas
And so it begins…

7:05 a.m.In the Nick of Time
Ok, Disney, WTF gives? This 1991 gem isn’t airing anywhere on TV this season, there’s no DVD in existence, and it’s not offered on the much-ballyhooed Disney+. Non-SciFi geeks watch TV and movies, too, y’know.

8:30 a.m.Yule Log
Don’t have a fireplace? Tune into this log on fire. Wait…what?

8:31 a.m.My Christmas Dream
Carols only play from December 21-24. The house cleans itself. Holiday TV ads start airing after Thanksgiving. Every get-together is catered. There are no obnoxious relatives in sight. Every gift given and received is perfect. I eat non-stop, but don’t gain an ounce. Yeah…in my dreams.

9:30 a.m.The Nightmare Before Christmas
October 31st through December 24th.

11:00 a.m.How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Donald Trump, not content with imprisoning everyone that might maybe possibly be illegal and not caring that their children die alone in detention, decides to cancel Christmas at the White House. Immigrants might have wanted to come and see it and, well, can’t have that.

12:00 p.m.Christmas in Connecticut
Pretty much the same as Christmas everywhere, except with deception, outright lies and oddball guests. Ok, I changed my mind: it is pretty much the same as everywhere.

2:00 p.m.Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town
So you better watch out. Contrary to popular belief, however, it’s ok to cry and pout. And have a meltdown. And run screaming from stores that blare Christmas carols. Just don’t kill anyone.

2:30 p.m.Finding Christmas
Like it’s something you could lose.

2:31 p.m.Rudloph and Frosty’s Christmas in July
A mutant reindeer and a creepy snowman get confused and celebrate Christmas in the summer. Rudolph gets shot by hunters and Frosty melts. Not a well thought-out plan.

4:00 p.m.Prancer Returns
After briefly joining Rudolph and Frosty on their summer jaunt and witnessing the ensuing horror, Prancer returns to the North Pole.

4:30 p.m.Holidaze
A psychiatrist explains how the holiday season can lead to anxiety and mental exhaustion. Like anyone needs a shrink to tell them that.

6:00 p.m.Bad Santa
Despite being on the Naughty List, Santa delivers gifts to Donald Trump. Bad Santa!

6:30 p.m.One Starry Christmas
Just one? Surely it was cloudless on more than one Christmas somewhere in the world.

7:30 p.m.A Charlie Brown Christmas
An odd-looking boy gets bullied at Christmas by his equally odd-looking peers. He turns to his dog for comfort, but it treats him with indifference. Depression ensues. A heartwarming tale for all.

8:00 p.m.It’s a Wonderful Life
Says who?

8:01 p.m.Ghosting: The Spirit of Christmas
Santa leaps into the modern age and gets a smartphone. His social media garners millions of followers until he gets ghosted by all of them because they don’t believe it’s really him. Lumps of coal all around.

9:00 p.m.The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Well, times: Hallowe’en, December 26th, one’s birthday, the first nice day of summer…I could go on, but you get the idea: not Christmas.

10:00 p.m.Santa Who?
Whoooooooo are you? Who? Who? (Hint: not The Masked Singer nor anyone on old reruns of CSI.)

11:30 p.m.The Perfect Holiday
In a delightful time-warp, the calendar leaps from Hallowe’en to the New Year. Best. Holiday. Ever.

11:58 p.m.Surviving Christmas
Despite the chaos, frayed nerves, incessant carol-playing and expense, we’ve all done it again and it is now:

11:59 p.m.Silent Night
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