OPINION
by Neena Louise
| 6:00 a.m. | It used to be November, but Kraft started airing their holiday Philadelphia Cream Cheese ad on October the frigging 17th, and incessantly thereafter. Kraft is on the Naughty List this year. |
| 7:00 a.m. | Baby’s First Christmas And so it begins… |
| 7:05 a.m. | In the Nick of Time Ok, Disney, WTF gives? This 1991 gem isn’t airing anywhere on TV this season, there’s no DVD in existence, and it’s not offered on the much-ballyhooed Disney+. Non-SciFi geeks watch TV and movies, too, y’know. |
| 8:30 a.m. | Yule Log Don’t have a fireplace? Tune into this log on fire. Wait…what? |
| 8:31 a.m. | My Christmas Dream Carols only play from December 21-24. The house cleans itself. Holiday TV ads start airing after Thanksgiving. Every get-together is catered. There are no obnoxious relatives in sight. Every gift given and received is perfect. I eat non-stop, but don’t gain an ounce. Yeah…in my dreams. |
| 9:30 a.m. | The Nightmare Before Christmas October 31st through December 24th. |
| 11:00 a.m. | How the Grinch Stole Christmas Donald Trump, not content with imprisoning everyone that might maybe possibly be illegal and not caring that their children die alone in detention, decides to cancel Christmas at the White House. Immigrants might have wanted to come and see it and, well, can’t have that. |
| 12:00 p.m. | Christmas in Connecticut Pretty much the same as Christmas everywhere, except with deception, outright lies and oddball guests. Ok, I changed my mind: it is pretty much the same as everywhere. |
| 2:00 p.m. | Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town So you better watch out. Contrary to popular belief, however, it’s ok to cry and pout. And have a meltdown. And run screaming from stores that blare Christmas carols. Just don’t kill anyone. |
| 2:30 p.m. | Finding Christmas Like it’s something you could lose. |
| 2:31 p.m. | Rudloph and Frosty’s Christmas in July |
| 4:00 p.m. | Prancer Returns After briefly joining Rudolph and Frosty on their summer jaunt and witnessing the ensuing horror, Prancer returns to the North Pole. |
| 4:30 p.m. | Holidaze A psychiatrist explains how the holiday season can lead to anxiety and mental exhaustion. Like anyone needs a shrink to tell them that. |
| 6:00 p.m. | Bad Santa Despite being on the Naughty List, Santa delivers gifts to Donald Trump. Bad Santa! |
| 6:30 p.m. | One Starry Christmas Just one? Surely it was cloudless on more than one Christmas somewhere in the world. |
| 7:30 p.m. | A Charlie Brown Christmas An odd-looking boy gets bullied at Christmas by his equally odd-looking peers. He turns to his dog for comfort, but it treats him with indifference. Depression ensues. A heartwarming tale for all. |
| 8:00 p.m. | It’s a Wonderful Life Says who? |
| 8:01 p.m. | Ghosting: The Spirit of Christmas Santa leaps into the modern age and gets a smartphone. His social media garners millions of followers until he gets ghosted by all of them because they don’t believe it’s really him. Lumps of coal all around. |
| 9:00 p.m. | The Most Wonderful Time of the Year Well, times: Hallowe’en, December 26th, one’s birthday, the first nice day of summer…I could go on, but you get the idea: not Christmas. |
| 10:00 p.m. | Santa Who? Whoooooooo are you? Who? Who? (Hint: not The Masked Singer nor anyone on old reruns of CSI.) |
| 11:30 p.m. | The Perfect Holiday In a delightful time-warp, the calendar leaps from Hallowe’en to the New Year. Best. Holiday. Ever. |
| 11:58 p.m. | Surviving Christmas Despite the chaos, frayed nerves, incessant carol-playing and expense, we’ve all done it again and it is now: |
| 11:59 p.m. | Silent Night |
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