Toni Collette on Netflix’s ‘Wayward,’ Motherhood and Living Authentically

Toni Collette is a character actor, which is just a fancy way of saying she’s talented. It means she has chops and range and elasticity, and that she fully inhabits every role, creating something new and unique every time. 

Character actors aren’t usually movie stars, but Collette is — she got an Oscar nom for her role in the 1999 megahit The Sixth Sense — albeit a quiet one: She’s been steadily working in the industry for more three decades, amassing a résumé packed with critical darlings and fan favorites alike (often those are one and the same, like 1994’s Muriel’s Wedding and 2006’s Little Miss Sunshine). And she’s done it while raising kids and protecting her private life.

“I listen to my heart and go with my gut,” Collette, 52, says of the simple game plan she’s followed. “That’s it, because I have to live with myself.” Ahead of her starring turn in Netflix’s Wayward (out Sept. 25), a limited series about a last-resort boarding school for teens, she sat down with Us to talk about finding success and staying true to herself.

Wayward is, in part, about a school for supposedly problematic teenagers. How much did you know about the troubled-teen industry before taking the role?

I really did not know much at all. I was a bit of a novice, and then [creator and star] Mae [Martin] sent a plethora of information and documentaries and podcasts. It was a lot to take in. It’s frightening and infuriating, [but] I think the problem with the world is that we don’t encourage individuality and the freedom to be one’s authentic self. Even talking about mental health in the past has been taboo or hidden away or a real problem, and it’s just essential to be able to talk about these things as human beings.

Right, it’s harm reduction.

[Teenagers] are in these incredible moments in their lives where their bodies are changing, their thoughts are changing. Their worlds are opening up, and then there’s this big thumb that just comes and squishes them and demands they be a certain way. And I find the two young girls, the lead characters [Sydney Topliffe as Abbie and Alyvia Alyn Lind as Leila], so exciting. I wish I was their age to play one of those parts. They’re so gutsy. They’re so themselves, their friendship is so tight and loving and supportive, and then they are just put in this hot-water situation of judgment where it’s meant to be helpful, and they’re seeing through it. But also some of it feels good and it’s confusing. 

It’s interesting to me that you said you’d love to be able to go back to how old they were to take on a role like that.

I don’t want to be any age again. I am so happy [with] where I am right now and what I’ve gone through. Everyone is on an individual path. And I really do believe that what is meant for you will not pass you by — the good, the bad and the ugly. You can look at it as an opportunity to grow, or you can become a victim and blame other people and look outside yourself. But I think to be able to look inward… Part of this story is about society being structured in a way that we are kind of brainwashed to have to look beyond ourselves for what’s real, when actually it is in all of us. Not until we each go into ourselves can we even contribute to society in a real way.

Getting older may be the only way to truly learn that lesson.

All the important things in life you just have to go through. Somebody can lecture you. You can read a million books. You can try to learn, try to prepare, try to research, until you go through things like grief, love, childbirth. You know, these are the big things that are unseen, that have to be felt.

One thing about Wayward that is really striking is the representation of a full spectrum of gender and sexuality identities. How much of that was part of what drew you to the material?

There’s such a diverse range of people in this story, and they all felt whole to me. Nobody made a big deal of anybody’s differences, and that seems really important in this day and age and on screen. The love story between [Martin’s character] Alex and [onscreen wife] Laura [Sarah Gadon] is beautiful and complicated, and it’s never sensationalized or questioned. [Alex is a trans man; Laura is a cis woman.] I’m aware that, in some circles and to some people with limited thinking, Mae’s character might be considered to be unusual or even abnormal. So I love that it’s this very character who is probably the most grounded, normal person in the whole show. Alex is the portal through which the audience gets to experience all the craziness of Tall Pines. Nobody’s sexuality or identity is ever really a big deal. The characters are much more interesting than that.

Which you mentioned is particularly crucial and of the moment…

Yeah, there are no words anymore. Hopefully, people will sit in their homes and watch this and feel like there’s a sense of acceptance in terms of the ability for someone to be free. Since the world is becoming less and less [connected], there’s so much that’s on screen, people meet through apps. There’s not so much one-on-one, I think. Others are a mirror to you, and art works in the same way. So in watching some TV show that actually has something potent and real to say, hopefully people will be able to feel a connection to a lot of what happens to these characters.

We talked about teens — you’ve got two: Sage, 17, and Arlo, 14, whom you share with your ex-husband, Dave Galafassi. In the past, you’ve said you want them to listen to themselves and not feel bullied by society into making decisions. How does that come into play in the way you parent and live your life? What is your hope for your kids in that way?

I think society, instead of creating moments of empowerment for people, is intentionally disempowering. It’s becoming more and more obvious, and it’s very strange. I don’t know — this has just always been something I’ve known in myself and something I’ve always lived by. I grew up in a very working-class family. I didn’t have, like, big, amazing experiences. It’s just me. It’s how I came in, and it’s my belief that everyone is equal and that we have the right — it’s our birthright — to have certain freedoms and exist as our authentic selves. And it’s becoming more and more difficult for people to do that. And it won’t serve any purpose other than for the dictators and the fascists to control society. The one hope for me out of everything that’s happening at the moment is that we’ve all been taught to look outside ourselves, [but] now the only place left to look is in. And when people really do that, it will create an uprising. There’s no way that it won’t. I really do believe things happen for a reason. Like, why the f**k is all of this happening right now? It’s very, very hard to justify in my mind — I know I’m not alone in this. And I can only come up with the answer that certain people exist to trigger the potential in people to instigate real change en masse. And from what I’m seeing, I think it is happening for those who are brave enough.

That is a very hopeful and optimistic way of looking at things.

I am optimistic, and I think we have to remain optimistic; otherwise, we’re rolling over and becoming what they want us to become. I just try to remain a beacon of love and light, not just for my kids but for the world at large, in my own tiny way, because succumbing to what they want won’t help. I still believe that we have the freedom to choose who we are.

Have you passed that along to your kids?

I’ve always spoken to my kids as equals. I think a lot of people are condescending toward kids, and they kind of drip-feed them limited information. There is so much information out there now, and I actually don’t know what [my son and daughter] see because they have phones, so I just make sure that the world where we exist is supportive and loving and positive. I’m very active in creating positivity within myself. And one little bit of wisdom that I’m trying to impart, and I can’t be didactic about it, but it’s just that you do have a choice: People forget that they have a choice of how they can live. And I hope we always have that. I mean, look at people who are oppressed and have such limitations placed upon them. But there are incredible instances of people who just are very aware that nobody can get inside their mind and they decide how they will respond to what happens around them. [They] create a sense of balance and buoyancy in order to continue without life being a complete whitewash.

That’s a great reminder for a lot of us.

I think it’s important to remember that there is goodness in the world. There is.  There are moments of imbalance, but there is definite goodness. And invest in what you believe in.

Do your kids want to follow in your professional footsteps?

My daughter has some interest, and from what I’ve seen, she’s actually pretty good; she’s got a really incredible singing voice. She’s got her last year of high school, and I just watch her every day, someone asks her, “Do you know what you’re going to do?” It’s fine. She’s 17. She doesn’t have to know what she wants to do. I think in the past, there’s been this very traditional trajectory of allocating roles to people in society with certain jobs, and they go from school to university into the job, work until they retire, and then they die. And I just don’t think that appeals to anybody anymore. There are so many different paths, different ways to learn. I know myself — I left school in year 11 to act, and it’s so bizarre I did that. I was very good at school. I had no idea… My career is a miracle. I pinch myself still. I don’t know whether that’s going to be the model that people kind of hitch their wagons to much longer. You don’t know who you are. Actually, some do. Depends on the individual, same as adults.

What’s on your bucket list at this point? Is there a role or something else out there that you’re like, this is something I’m dying to do that I haven’t done.

I think it’s probably more about directing. I still will, obviously, always act. I love it. I wish I didn’t love it so much, because it’s exhausting. You use your entire self, and I don’t know how to do it any other way, but I still get off on it. I still thrive on it. It makes me grow. Every character, I learn something about myself. It’s always been that way, and I’m so grateful for it — I really mean that. But I’ve been doing a little bit of writing, and I’m producing a bit more, and I want to direct, and I think there are ways to grow within my own industry. I’ve always written, and I’m really starting to want to do that more. It’s just something I can do on my own.

And my kids are still in school. I need to be able to stay at home and still feel creatively satisfied. So I’m kind of leaning into that a little bit more. But I also feel like life gives you what you need, so I listen to what comes my way and, yeah, I’m happy to continue following the hints and the little magical synchronicities that are revealed to me to show me the way, like Hansel and Gretel.

Hansel and Gretel but with a happier ending.

Yeah, much happier ending.

Well, if you’re taking suggestions or career advice, Us Weekly would like to see you on The White Lotus. 

I want to see me on White Lotus! I find Mike White to be endlessly interesting. Films like Chuck & Buck from years ago, he was already blowing my mind. Like, he just has his own perspective. I really appreciate people who have the guts to be themselves and do what they want. He does that.

Us May Have Guessed the Filming Location for Season 4 of ‘The White Lotus’

Can you tell Us anything about your upcoming role in Kate Winslet’s directorial debut, the family drama Goodbye, June? We know she stars in it, too, with Helen Mirren, and it’s out in December.

I actually can’t talk about it — I’m too jet-lagged, and it was too amazing, I will just cry. [Beginning to cry] It was such a profound experience. I feel like I have a second family. Kate Winslet will be my sister for life. She was an incredible director, but the story is so beautiful, and it was such a gorgeously woven time — it was kind of magical. It really was. And it just appreciates family and life and all the goodness in life. It really highlights — through grief, which is essential, which people don’t want to look at, especially in the West — how lucky we are to be alive, truly.

I can’t wait to see it, even though I know it’ll tear my heart out.

I’m sorry that it will, but it’s funny as well. I play a funny person. 

And crying is good! It’s healing. 

Yeah, well, we had the Pisces full moon last night and a full lunar eclipse. Pisces is very watery and very emotional, so f***king hell, I’m surprised I even got through this day.